Art Of The “O”

*Snapping Fingers* Welcome to the Diary of A Mad Guest Blogger. This is a segment where we feature readers that got thangs to say. I want you to give a special hand to A. Nonymous.

Okay, so I’m doing this guest blogger thing cuz I was talking with some friends, and one said she’s still waiting to experience her first “O”. My heart sank. Almost literally. It does that each and every time I hear a woman say she’s never had an orgasm. I really don’t know what my life would be without them.

I started having sex young… really young. Not by choice though. Then I got a boyfriend. Mid-stroke he stopped and told me “you don’t know how to fuck”. I soooooooooo wanted to cry. But I didn’t. He didn’t stop there though (so glad I didn’t cry) and commenced to, ummm, give me pointers. We broke up for a minute. I tried those moves out on someone else. He cried. He came, but he cried, too. Just for good measure, I gave another one a try. Similar reaction. But you know what? THEY were having all the fun.

Then, enter my friend. My homie. My ace. For all intents and purposes, he will always be known as “that fat bastard”. TFB for short. We’d been friends for YEARS. Well, a couple of years. Anyhoo, I was bored, he liked me, you know what comes next. Understand, TFB was the largest dude I’d been with. Not penile large (although he was slanging) but physically large… beer belly shit. So, round 1 is over, and he asks me what’s up with the choreography. I’m like WTF man? So he says, “yeah, you got moves for me, but what about moves for you?”. Well color be baffled. He obviously picked up on my confusion, sits up in the bed and gestures for me to come sit between his legs.

So I did. He put my each of my legs over his – right over right, left over left – and told me not to move. Don’t even think about moving. He started kissing me on the back of my neck, then the middle of my back & put his on the inside of my thighs – right over right, left over left.

Then he started talking. Nothing complicated. Nothing nasty. Just about stuff we talked about when we were out shooting pool or whatever. Then in the midst of convo he put 1 hand smack dab in the middle of legs – which were still wide open and took his other hand and started playing with my breasts. I really wanted to fall asleep, but at the same time I was feeling hot, from the inside.

Then he picked me up, laid me down and positioned the both of us some way I don’t really remember, but – don’t laugh yet – that dang beer belly came in handy. Then he gave me this brand new stroke. Well, shit. It was brand new to me. Between that stroke and my moves, and the fact that I didn’t have 5,000 other things running through my head, I was feeling some New , New shit. TFB looks at me and says “I’m gonna tell you something. When I come in, move away from me. Not a lot. Just a little bit. Then squeeze”. I’m like “squeeze?”, thinking ‘the fuck you mean, squeeze?’. So he says, “yeah. squeeze. from the inside. like you ain’t tryna go to the bathroom”. So I did.

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHD

All of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. My back was arching. My arms and hands were scrambling for something to hold on to for dear life. I broke out in a sweat. I didn’t know what to do with myself. So much so that I wanted him to stop. And he knew it. But didn’t. I opened my mouth to say “STOP” but what came out sounded like a… a… I don’t know. Let’s call it a scream. It felt like every ounce of fluid in my body was running to my toes. Then I could breathe again. Well, in little, dying goldfish type breaths. I wanted him OFF ME. But not. This fool asks me, “want another one?”. My ass says, “YES!”

I ended up having eight on my first day. Yup. Eight. On my back. On my stomach. Me on top. TFB was the catalyst for my 3-a-day workout plan. He’s also the reason why, whenever I want to, I can have an orgasm. “Practice the squeeze, boo”. That shit gets me in trouble sometimes.

So, if you’ve never had an orgasm before, I may have had enough for all of our lifetimes, BUT, I really do feel for you. The biggest thing I learned from TFB was similar to Debbie Allen in A Different World: Relax, Relate, Release. Seriously. Be relaxed in your mind. Relate to your body. Then, you know, RELEASE.  It’s never too late. May you have a partner that cares about your pleasure as TFB did for mine. Shoot, for the dudes that came after him that I made say “GOTDAM”, they need to pay homage to TFB. No. Seriously. Unselfish lover FTW. Can’t imagine my life without the “O”.

SN: I was no angel. BUT, all these years later, my status is still negative. Wrap it up!