Ask V.I.~ Could He Be An Addict?

Dear V.I.,

I recently came to a dilemma. I was nonchalantly looking through my internet history, and I found a couple of porn sites. I know I didn’t watch it because it was dated last Sunday, and I was at church in the morning (lol, the irony of it all amuses me). However, my boyfriend was in my apartment, and I went to church alone. I confronted him about it last night on the phone, he apologized (nonchalantly) and I am furious. I don’t understand why. I feel very betrayed I guess, and disrespected. But I have watched porn from time to time (so there is some level of hypocrisy), and I have felt guilty, but the thought of him watching it on my computer, then making ‘love’ to me about 2 hours later is kind of wrong to me.

At the same time, I know that all guys do it. I am afraid it might take over the relationship. Also, he took my virginity, so i am afraid that he is watching porn because I am not doing something right. I really don’t know how to resolve this because I don’t want to ban him from watching porn, but I can’t sit there and pretend i am ok with it. At what point is porn watching harmful, and how can I tell? I really feel inadequate, like he is comparing me with those porn whores and that’s what he wants. I also don’t want to watch it with him, because I don’t want it to become a part of our relationship where we have to depend on it. I just hate that he did it on my computer, and I myself try very hard not to watch porn because I feel that it is immoral and it degrades the act of sex, and women. help!!! to what degree should I be tolerant? and what do guys think of their mates when they watch porn? How can I get a compromise going without getting my feelings hurt?

Miss Flo

Dear Miss Flo,

This seems to be a very common issue when it comes to relationships. Most women feel if their man watches porn he isn’t satisfied or happy with the relationship. I view it like this, if you were doing something wrong in the bedroom chances are homeboy would go out and cheat with a freak instead. I don’t see anything with a man or woman watching porn. Hell I condone couples watch porn together. I think the main issue you’re having is that he did  it in your apartment while you were out of the house. I can understand that…why come over to your place and cum every which a way especially when you’re not there to enjoy it. It’s disrespecting your space. When you leave someone in your home, you don’t expect them to do something like that.

Like you said getting upset with him for watching porn when you’ve done it also is being a hypocrite. You can’t chastise him for that when you’re guilty of doing the same thing. People watch porn to get off. Point blank period. They don’t look at it to analyze the crisis of women and why they are being exploited. They made the choice to f*ck on camera. If he watched porn while you were in the other room, then you might have a problem. If he’s never disrespected you like that then you should be good.

There was some people that need porn in their lives 24/7 then it has become an addiction. Here are a list of signs you can look for to let you know your man is addicted to porn.

1. Neglect~ If your man suddenly starts neglecting you emotionally and sexually he might have a problem. If the zest and the love has been sucked out of your relationship his mind might be elsewhere. If the sex starts to feel impersonal, like you’re not even in the room then you might want to evaluate your relationship.

2. Getting to know himself a little too often~ A friend of mine was married to a porn addict. Everyday after he got home from work his ass went into the bathroom and had to masturbate to a hoe magazine before he could do anything else. He did this shit EVERYDAY. She knew he was addicted to it and it eventually ruined her marriage. Men will always show signs that something is wrong, all you have to do is observe it.

3. The computer is his new best-friend~ If your man is constantly on the internet he could be doing one of two things. He might be on twitter or watching porn. If he has to be in a locked room and won’t let you in he’s up to no good. The fact that you can get porn free on the internet your man will be glued to that screen.

Porn is nothing but fantasy. Maybe he’s watching it to get some pointers on how to throw it down in the bedroom. I highly doubt that porn is the motivator to have sex with you. If it was he wouldn’t have waited 2 hours to get you in the bedroom. Also, you can never really ban a person from anything. What he does in his own home is his business. You could ask him to respect your place and don’t bring it over there. I say if it’s not affecting your relationship and he’s still the loving boyfriend you’ve known all along you shouldn’t worry about it. If you see that’s he’s changing in a negative way, then maybe you need to address the issue. Just remember if you feel you have to “tolerate” something you obviously don’t condone, then by all means handle that. If this was just an isolated incident then I don’t think there is anything to worry about, unless he disrespects you again.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted.

V.I.

xoxoxox