Ask V.I.~Too Many Men, So Little Time

Dear V.I.,

I have a problem with two guys. For almost 4 years I didn’t have a man in my life. It has just been me and my son. So, I felt it was time for me to get out and meet guys.

I meet this one guy, and we talked for a while. He told me from the start that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. He just wanted to hang out with me, which was fine. It allowed me to see what was out there. The more we talked to each other and hung out, we got more attracted to each other sexually. After we decided that we would have sex, it was always something that kept us from doing it.  He work nights, so our times were always conflicting even before the sex came up. He stopped calling and answering my messages. I figured he may have found someone else and wasn’t in to me anymore, so, I moved on.

I then meet another guy, and he said he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He wanted to sleep with me right away, but he understood when I didn’t want to. He was nice about it. We talked and went out for a while, and then I started to feel him sexually. We ended up having sex a couple of times. I could tell we were feeling each other sexually. About a week after we had sex the last time, he sends me a text message to tell me we couldn’t hang out anymore. He had some stuff going on. I figured he had some issues with his children’s mother, so I said okay, and moved on.

Out of nowhere the first guy calls me wanting to get together. Of course I told him about the other guy. He seemed a little upset, but not too much because he’s not my man and I’m not his woman. He told me that he was just really busy at work and couldn’t find the time, but he wanted me. So we talked for awhile as friends. Then we started having a sexual attraction again for each other, but we still had an issue with our time. When he wasn’t busy I was, and when I wasn’t he was. So our contact was starting to get less and less again. I saw it as a sign and moved on again.

Then one day I get a message from the second guy telling me that he was sorry that he had to end what we had. He had a lot of stuff going on, but he really wanted to get back with me. I told him how I felt about what happen with us, and that I was looking for a real relationship. He kept telling me how he was sorry, and he wanted to try again. The more I thought about the sex, I gave in, and we had sex again. But this time it was different, he was more emotional and caring. It was different.

When I was leaving the second guys house, I notice I had several text messages from the first guy asking me if I could come to his house. He really wanted me. It was a good thing that I had my phone one silent. I text him back telling him I was out with a friend. He keeps calling and texting me trying to get with me. I am really in to him too, but I’m not telling him that I went back to the other guy. So I keep giving him excuses as to why I can’t get with him.

I am so confused. I know that no real relationship is going to be with either one of these guys, and I’m not looking for one to start up. But I can’t seem to shake either one of them. I am very sexually attracted to both of them. What should I do. Should I just tell both of them to kick rocks and start over. Please help.

Signed,

Too Many Men, So Little Time

Dear TMMSLT,

You just answered your own question in your email. You’re looking for something more serious but they aren’t, so why are you even having this dilemma? You seem to be just settling for whatever you get. By reading your email you seem to know what you “want”, but you’re not allowing  that to come to you and you’re going after what you think you “need”. These dudes are playing with your emotions because they know they can. You’re allowing them to have to all the control even though you said it yourself you know that you can have no real relationship with either of them.

I know you said it’s been 4 years since you’ve been involved with someone, but after all that time why play yourself? I’m not saying we as human’s don’t have needs and desires…but if it’s just a sexual thing make it a sexual thing. You’re bringing in feelings and emotions and letting these people have their way with you and all it is to them is just a straight f*ck. If you continue down this path you’re gonna start throwing out the words “I’m in love”, because you’ve decided to give your body to a n*gga that never deserved it in the first place.

Now you said you didn’t have sex with the first dude because of your schedules, so I wanna talk about the second dude. You said he wanted to have sex with you right away…red flag number 1. This dude can’t even identify your p*ssy in a line up and he automatically tells you he wants to bust a nut using your womanly below? Naw son!!!! Next, after you had a sex session he’s gonna TEXT you and say ” We can’t hang out anymore”? No explanation at all? That shows he doesn’t even respect you enough to call you and tell you that shit. Then he’s gonna call you a few weeks later telling you he wants to hook up again? I can dig where you told him how you felt about him coming back like nothing happened, but then you totally f*cked up when you f*cked him again. That’s basically showing him “Yea you can tell me any sorry shit, but since you possess the dick I will allow you to make my tits shake again”. Dude had something else going on and when that shit fell through guess what he decided to do…call ol reliable. You played right into his trap girl.

I think you should cut em both off, but if you really wanna keep em around I see nothing wrong with telling these fools the real deal. They ain’t yours and you ain’t theirs so what’s the point. I just think if you want to find that special someone, holding on to ain’t shit n*ggas ain’t gonna help you in anyway. You’re just creating emotional and physical drama for the next man to clean up…and boo boo it  ain’t his job to fix you.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!