Women always talk about they need a man that’s packing that dick girth. Women want a man that has the right length, thickness, and density to his Rock of Gibraltar. If any of you guys remember my former blog site Good Girls, you remember my post called “Little Dicks Scare Me”. The title speaks for itself, but I got to thinking there are some big ones that makes you say “damn I know that is gonna hurt”.
Not every man has the knowledge of satisfying a woman orally. Some just go down there and eat that shit like they’re in a hot dog eating contest, while others devour that coochie like a fat kid with an ice cream cone. I’m not sure if eating the cooch puts too much pressure on a man that he goes in there like he’s retarded, or he’s just inexperienced in the art of making her cum with his tongue. *My Infomercial Voice*Here are some rules and techniques that can help you *pointing finger* become a better lady coochie eater.
We’ve all been in the situation where we are with that special someone and it’s going good and you’re about to make it rain. I mean you’re at that peak and you can feel the orgasm from the depths of your soul. It’s almost there…almost there and they let theirs out first, leaving you damp from the slight drizzle you formed. Then they have the nerve to roll over and say to you “Damn that was good. Did you cum”? This shit is becoming too common in relationships. SELFISHNESS!!! I’m not saying that you have to cum together and the sound of waves are going to hit the shore and develop the thunderous sensation between your legs. Naw I’m not saying that. I’m saying if you happen to get yours first, shouldn’t it be common courtesy to continue so your boo can get their rocks off too?
So fellas, I got another homework assignment for ya’ll. This is only for the men that eat that cooch. Hell, there are some of you out there lying like a bear skin rug talking about you don’t get betwix those legs and slurp up all the cooch juice. I wanna introduce you to the Venus Butterfly Technique. You’re probably wondering what in the hell is this technique and how do you know about it. *Ashley Banks voice* “Mind yo bidness that’s all, just mind yo bidness” lmao….I slay myself sometimes. The technique was actually a fictional one that was worked into an old L.A Law episode, but somehow the folks done made it real. Venus Butterfly Technique consists of stimulation of the clit with the tongue. You might be saying “Yo V.I., I do that shit on a regular basis”. Yea I know *side eye* but you never done it like this son. Sit down, relax and let me school you on clit 101.
You guys know I like to tell stories right, well I got one for you. I met him through a mutual friend a few years ago over the phone. He lived in NYC and I lived in stayed in the “A”. We grew up on the same island, went to high school together, but I never knew his name. Back then I always had a slight crush on him, but he never noticed I was alive. For months we talked on the phone, text and IM’d damn near every form of communication. After a few months the conversation started to drift from friendship, to I like you to I think I love you. The relationship started to get serious, and never even been in the same room with each other. After four months over the phone we decided to finally travel to see each other. Before I left the “A” to head to NYC he told me one thing, “My dick game is vicious. Just warning you”. I laughed because I have heard that shit so many times and only got sub par work from other men. I was still intrigued by him so I went to NYC for the weekend.
I think some of the most awkward positions make for the best orgasms. I don’t know if it’s just me but the missionary position rarely does anything for me. I’m not saying that sometimes when that d*ck hits the wall I don’t wince from excitement. I’m saying that I can guarantee that laying flat on my back with homie pumping for greatness isn’t gonna make shit happen. I need something different, something complex, well something more me. I think all couples should dare to be different. Doing the same old things in the bedroom can cause the relationship to dwindle. I for damn sure don’t wanna be with a man that thinks being on top and giving 4 good pumps is gonna move my soul. You do some shit like that and I would properly hurt your feelings and break out the toy that will put your dry ass dick to shame. I’ve decided to list some of the best positions that can make you cream, buck, and shiver with excitement. FYI…I’m making up some names here so please excuse my terms.
Attention All I got one thing to say: Stiff b*tches are bad for business. Well it’s bad for their business, because what one chick won’t do another chick will. So take it from me, you’re f*cking up your home life with the non-participation shit in the bedroom. That is one thing that can make a man stray. Some women just lay there; I guess not wanting to sweat out their perm or something. This is not going to keep your man at home.
I won’t front I did that shit on a few occasions. LMAO! Honestly, I just felt my participation just wasn’t needed for his satisfaction. You did notice I said HIS satisfaction right. I was never in the mood with this one. I came to the solid conclusion that I just wasn’t aroused when it came to him. Once that happened my body shuts down, so putting that voodoo on him just wasn’t something that appealed to me. I didn’t even mind if he went and got it somewhere else, as long as I didn’t have to give him any I was easy as Sunday morning. *Sigh* So my just laying there move didn’t work with him. He begged me to make an effort. I decided that I didn’t want to take that route so I started arguing so his d*ck would go down. Men can’t stay hard and think at the same time. I felt a sense of pride. Like I said I wanted no part of what he was trying to give me. NONE WHATSOEVER.
On the other hand, there are some chicks that just feel uncomfortable when it comes to sex. I’m not sure if they don’t know how to f*ck right or what, but I think he will be more appreciative that you at least made an effort. It could be some insecurities with their bodies too, hell I don‘t know. Ladies, you may think that he’s looking at your webbed toe, or the fact that one tit is bigger than the other. He could care less if your nipples are held together with scotch tape. He’s just trying to figure out how to suck and f*ck you at the same time. Men are very simple creatures, all you gotta do is tickle their balls with a smile on your face and tell them how big their Killa Mike is and he will be just fine.
Holla at me: Have you ever been/or been with someone that never participated during sex?
Ladies, almost every woman has had that drive-by dick. You know that man you had a relationship with, but you’re no longer together but you still fuck on occasions. That’s a drive-by dick. There’s nothing wrong with having a drive-by, but sometimes you need that motherfucker to park every once in a while. Most of the times after a break up, a woman doesn’t just doesn’t wanna jump right into sex with someone new. There is a waiting process, but let that ex call you and the next thing you know your legs are slung over his shoulders and you’re begging for that dick to go deeper. SMH….damn we gotta do better.
I’ve had a drive-by before. Hell I ain’t ashamed to admit it…well maybe a little. I just had a weak ass moment and when he said he was coming over my ass started doing the happy dance. Now we were broken up, but ain’t nothing better than dick your coochie is familiar with so I knew that we were gonna fuck. It’s actually in the handbook. Ex’s are allowed to fuck until 1. One or both parties have found successful relationships. 2. You decide that his dick is the devil and because of it you can’t move on. 3. You decide that the sporadic fucks ain’t making you feel too pretty on the inside. 4. His new girl catches you in her bed. *LOL j/k…no I’m not* 5. You wake up one morning and you’re itching like Nikki Minaj after her Lil Wayne fuck. Go to the doctor bitches…quick.
The sad part of having a drive-by with an ex; you still might have special feelings for him/her. This can cause a problem in the long run, because they’re looking at it as convenient sex and you’re hoping this will lead you two back together. If you’re thinking that you will get back together, maybe the drive-by isn’t for you. If you want to get the relationship back on track giving that man open opportunity pussy isn’t the best thing. You may not be able to stop cold turkey. Maybe you should ration it out, that way you’re weaning yourself off that dick and can focus on getting your relationship back. If it is over on his part, you ain’t getting yo man back so um you better move on….um k bye.
Holla at me: Have you ever been involved in a drive-by?
It has always tripped me out how men go on and on about the feel of a woman’s coochie. If your shit is tight, the minute they enter all you hear is “Damn baby, your pussy is so tight”. It’s like they found pussy gold. I’m not saying you’re the down right shit for having a coochie tighter than Lil Kim’s face, but you do score some points with the fellas. Sometimes I just feel the women with the loosey pussy get a bum wrap. Sure her shit is like a retractable awning, but sometimes that ain’t her fault; well if she done had Tom, Dick and Harpo run up in her then that shit is on her. Or simply age can just change the vagina form. Ladies, it’s a fact, that’s why women need to get their Kegel’s on. Hopefully that can get that shit back to 3rd dick form. 3rd dick form is basically your coochie isn’t virgin tight, but you only been with 3 guys so you still got a little tightness left. I remember someone told me, the tighter the coochie the better the sex. I always wondered if all men thought that way.
Men don’t come out and ask you if your berry is tight or not. That’s not really a requirement, but when they get in there and realize it is they go mad. I’m not sure if it’s the “Like a Virgin” complex or what, but just feeling your walls right around his dick seems to be an amazing feeling. Women with not so tight Va-jenga’s may have had kids or it just never snapped back into place after the lost of her virtue. I’m not sure if men feel like their swimming in a deep puddle of pussy, but a lot of men can’t fuck with a stretchy woman. I imagine it feels like just fucking air. I’m not hating on the loosey pussies, but that’s what I envision. Please, let me know if I’m wrong fellas. Does it take longer to cum? Does your body give away because you had to put your whole energy into making her feel anything? I just have so many questions.
Now women with the tight coochies don’t get all glitz and glamour thinking that you running shit. Sometimes your shit can be too damn tight. You know you get with Omar the Mandingo and he tries to enter you and can only fit the tip in there. You’re begging for mercy and he’s devising a plan to get the whole shaft in there without you crying bloody murder. Yea, your tight pussy can’t help you in this situation. So no orgasm for you, no orgasm for him because he can’t get his man-tango up in there. Just a bad night for both parties. Ladies, you also need to know that the coochie doesn’t stay tight once he penetrates and gives you those mighty strokes. Yea his dick is touching your walls, but the more he strokes the more you’re opening up. If for some reason your womanly belows stay tight throughout the whole course of sex then you’re not aroused and dryness will soon follow. I know the one thing men hate more than a woman with open door pussy, is Sahara Desert pussy. If he can’t make you wet, then what’s the point of having sex?
I just want folks to be aware that tighter isn’t always better. Some women usually don’t know if they’re loose or tight until their partner tells them. All women no matter the depths of their womanhood should perform Kegels. Hell I think that should be a requirement for all women. For the looser sista’s if you need something stronger than Kegels, try Vaginal Cones. Vaginal Cones are tampon sized devices with weights. You first start with the lightest cone, you hold the cone with your muscle and work your way up to the heaviest cone. If you want to go the extreme lengths then you can have Neuromuscular Electrical Stimulation. Yea, shocks to the coochie, um well ok then. Women with the just right tightness, I hope our shit lasts cause we’re some rare ass heffas. LOL
So as we all know, I am staying away from peen right now. It was my choice to do so, but I think I’ve been setting myself up for failure. Although I think dick is the devil, there is something so magical about it. I don’t know if it’s the color, or the way it curves slightly to the left, or the way it feels when it’s hard as a brick. Hmmmm I don’t know, but dick is a helluva drug. And with that being said, I think dick slips should be allowed.
Now I know you’re asking yourself what the hell is a dick slip. * I make up my own terminology for matters such as this* Basically, a dick slip involves heavy ass foreplay and the slip of the dick. Get a few good strokes in, and get the hell out. Now you’re probably saying to yourself “Isn’t that torturing yourself”. Well, yes my dears it is. You see, I have this thing about seeing how far I can allow myself to go before I say “No, I can’t. I’m not having sex right now”. Knowing that I wanna straddle his ass and take the dick that rightfully belongs to me. *Sigh* Imagine, he’s all over you nibbling on that left ear, kissing your neck. Working his way down to your….um *clearing throat*. What was I talking about?
Oh yea…the mighty dick slip. The one problem with a dick slip is the other person. Majority of the time their not aware that they’re in a dick slip situation and may get a little agitated when ask to stop. He probably will get mad and start to curse, or he might try for an hour to get the full dick fuck treatment. By that time you’re already calm, and you just want him to leave so you can pull out your vibrator. Either way, the dick slip is gonna ruin both parties evenings, because you’re not allowing your sex organs to be as great as they need to be. Once they see each other, they know what their jobs entail and preventing that just makes them mad. I’m a teaser, so if I need to tease him while endangering my sex drive so be it. I can take a dick slip, but I don’t need no damn dick sex. Keep it…I can’t afford you getting sprung and shit. Maybe I should keep my shit to myself then.
Yea no dick slips for V.I. *sneaking away to call someone with dick slip potential*
