While I Was Out: This Shit Happened

So while on my blogger’s vacation I continued to watch the dumb shit that tv had to offer. Let’s talk about the Negro Awards presented by BET. This was an award show where all the negros dressed up in their most “stereotypical” attire and performed some of their songs. Now I watched this shit last week so I have to remember what the hell stood out to me. I wanted to throw my tv out the damn window.

1. Gucci~ I’m still trying to figure out who this dude fucked to get a record deal. I don’t see or understand what the hell is so appealing about this monkey with a chain on. Not only is this the ugliest dude hip hop has ever seen…well since Craig Mack, dude can’t rap. This fucking joker performed in EVERY damn performance on the award show. It was like he scheduled to take care of some of his work release hours with BET. The shit was sickening.

2. Soulja Boy~ This gimmick made himself a household name. I call this dude the king of kiddie rap. Trying to be “gangsta” but is doing a horrible job at it. Whatever he performs gets muted on my tv. I just don’t fuck with this dude on any kind of level. And of course Gucci’s icy ass performed with him. Brrrrrrrrrrr!!!

3. The Dream~ I love this dude’s music. His choice of clothing not so much. I don’t know why he refuses to believe that he’s thick. No matter what time of year he walks around in these little ass jackets and jeans, like he got a deal with Baby Gap and shit. Every time I see him I sing “Fat guy in a little coat”. He performed with Snoop and it was ok for what it was. Nothing to write home to momma about. I just thought his tiny jacket was funny.

4. The Award~ Yo this shit was missing from the whole show. Are the trophies still in production? I don’t know if ya’ll noticed but they only actually only gave out like 4 of these things. I thought the purpose of an award show was to present people with awards. All they did was let the negro men perform. Not even one woman performed, sang a hook, did the snake nothing. SMH

5. Dirty Money~ I call these people the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, only because bitch ass Diddy associated with this shit. Plus, these chicks looked like they were shook off the ugly tree. I don’t understand the whole premise of this “group”, but its hey I’m not the music mogul. Is it is just me or at the awards Dawn was trying so hard to fit in? Style jacking Rihanna and shit. Be your own person damn…well Diddy is her master so whatever he says goes. The other chick in the group…the one that looks like a constipated Missy Elliot, does that bitch ever talk? *Side note*I just want to take a big bag of dicks and slap Diddy’s ass with it. I don’t like him at ALL.

Again, BET never fails to disappoint me. The whole show was just horrible. The acts sucked, it was ghetto as usual, and Jim Jones still refuses to plat his damn hair. I only watch this type of shit to talk about the folks the next day anyway. This was the only thing I really paid attention to last week. Oh and the Real Housewives of Atlanta all I gotta say is; I’m glad that shit is over. Fuck NeNe and Em’.

You A Hustla? *We Off That*

I don’t do hustlas…well not anymore. In 2009, why the hell your ass still on the corner trying to slang them thangs? If you have been hustling weed since 1999 and in 2009 your ass ain’t bumped up to crack or coke by now, then hustling ain’t for you. I’m not saying be the best hustla you can be, but if you still doing the same shit you did 10 years ago then what value does your life have? I need a man that’s about his grind the legal way. I’m looking for a man that goes to work every day and earns his daily bread. So yea um…you a hustla? Dude I’m off that.

There is no way in hell a hustla can try to holla at me at the age I’m at. I like to say I don’t discriminate, but dammit I do. There are just some folks I don’t mess with, and a hustla is at the top of the heap. One of my biggest problems with a hustla is, you just never know what’s gonna happen. Sure that is something that everyone has to worry about, but when you’re a dope boy one of your main duties is to watch your back. Call me a lame ass duck, but I want a man that hustles in a different aspect. Give me a brotha that gets up everyday goes to work, pays his bills, complains about his damn boss. I’m not saying he has to have a company car, stock options, or an office over looking downtown Atlanta. Wait one damn min…that dude sounds good as hell.

Anyway…back in the day a thug dude was my dream. I don’t know what it was, but having one of those dudes with no ambition, selling that shit, and having money in his pocket was exciting to me. Until I realized that, that shit was real life. I met him at 20 years old and yea… he sold everything. Weed was small potatoes to him, so he left that for the little dudes on the corner. He was so sweet, and that vicious dude everyone warned me about never entered our relationship. He never sold anything in front of me, and truth be told I ran the relationship. If you didn’t know I love to be the dominant one. I was riding on the high of thug love, until I realize this negro was a real thug and shit. One night we were suppose to go out to dinner and he never showed. I called him and dude never answered. So I got pissed and cussed his ass out on voicemail. The next day he called me and asked me to meet him at our spot. Since he was a hustla I knew better than to parade our relationship all over the place. He was a man that had more enemies than friends, so I wasn’t trying to get in the line of fire or anything like that. So I met him at the spot and the look on his face was unlike I ever seen. I asked him where the fuck he been and he just opened the trunk. How about he had this dude tied up in the back of his shit. At that moment shit was becoming too real for me. I asked him what was that all about and he said he’s been driving around with ol boy all night. He owed him money. I don’t know whatever happened to guy in the trunk, but I know my ass ended that relationship faster than you can say “Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity” *look it up, it’s a real word. Two weeks after we broke up, he was murdered.

Due to that experience, I’ve learned that a hustla just isn’t for me. Not only can I not take loosing someone else, I just got to the point in my life that I need something more reliable. You know…a real man. There are so many other avenues out there than getting involved in that shit. Ladies, why would you want something so dangerous and unpredictable like that in your life? Sure the money comes quick, but think of everything that he has to sacrifice…his family, his safety, his life…maybe even yours. How is that worth it?

Her P*ssy Don’t Know You No More….

This post is strictly for the fellas.

Fellas have you ever hooked up with an ex that had the bomb coochie, but when you try to re-visit that warm gewy center it just doesn’t feel the same? Well…..Her pussy doesn’t know your ass anymore. This is a common thing: the relationship ends and you both move on, now her pun-ash has been through changes that your dick just doesn’t recognize. So when you enter her, her coochie is unresponsive to what your dick has to offer. Don’t fret; you can still cum out on top.

1. Keep on fucking~ I know the pussy feels different, and your dick might be a little afraid but you still gotta complete the job. There is nothing worse than a man getting in there and his dick shrivels from fright.

2. Treat that shit like new pussy~ What do you normally do when you get new pussy? You beat that shit into submission. Just treat it like this is the first time your dick is introduced to her woman parts. I know at first you have to get on the same groove, but eventually your dick will know what to do.

3. Take it outside the bedroom~ I find that the bedroom creates a lot of pressure on people. You know what they always say about the bed “This is where all the magic happens”. Your ding-a-ling might not respond right away. Release that load in other parts of the house, or take it completely out the home. Ain’t nothing better than almost getting caught by someone sex.

4. Tease then Please~ Sometimes I hate when a man goes straight for the hole. I’m not a machine. You have to lead my ass up to the point where I put that dick in there myself. Foreplay is always a good way to get the party started. I know you two are exes, but shit foreplay isn’t a marriage proposal. You need to remember just for tonight you’re hers and vice versa. Tease her with the tip, until she can’t take it anymore. Guaranteed Splash Mountain in that bitch.

5. Remember simpler times~ If all the points that I mentioned above doesn’t work for your sorry ass, then just put your mind set back when the pussy made sense. If you have to close your eyes and imagine while you stroke, do what you have to do. Your goal is for both of you to get off. If your dick is frightened, that isn’t gonna be a successful bang.

I know this can be very disappointing to you once you find out her pussy is unfamiliar to you, and your ego might get a little bruised. At this point you’re already in there, so you might as well finish your job. I think I’ve given you the tools you need to bust that coochie open. I hope this has helped. Drive safely. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses. Goodnight. *Walks off stage*.

Why Did I Watch the BET Awards?

Last night in L.A the 2009 BET Awards show took place and I was on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t wait to see what BET had in store when it came to the tribute to the legendary Michael Jackson. Plus, Jamie Foxx was the host so I imagined I would get a tickle.*Sigh* With that being said you know I needed to give a run down from my point of view of this whole show. While some moments left me in tears others made me wonder why in the world was I watching the coonery known as BET.

The Good

New Edition~ opened up the show. And even though it was great to see them all together *Yes even Bobby* I was slightly disturbed by two things. 1. Bobby got fat as hell. He looked like he was munching on a few hams backstage. He must have gotten off the pipe. 2. Bobby was doing the flick tongue thing like he was singing “My Perrogative”. See this is why you can’t take crack heads out of their elements. Dude looked like Eddie Kane from the Five Heartbeats. *Moving on*

Neyo~ Dude was actually one of the first artists that came out that sounded great. He did that! Just wished he kept on his hat though. Dude looked like a bon bon with a red Bill Cosby sweater on.

Maxwell~ OMG I love this man so much. Maxwell turned it out at the award show when he sang “Pretty Wings”. This was the biggest highlight for me….the biggest. Owwww I was singing the song and somehow I ended up nekkid. I don’t know what happened but my undies were on the ceiling fan.

Jay-Z~ Jay performed “DOA” and it was ok. The thing that I thought brought it home was the fact that Jay cut those things out his head. OMG I stood and gave him a round of applause. That dude deserved an award for that right there.

Janet~ Watching Janet visibly shaken and distraught hit me that Mike is gone even more. I saw the pain in her eyes. While her daddy was talking about his record label, Janet was talking about her brother. I cried because with all the coonery, some people forgot we were trying to pay tribute to Michael.

Jaime Foxx & Neyo ~ This tribute made me cry. This seemed to actually be the only tribute of the night befitting of Michael. I thought Neyo did his thang as usual and Jaime was great. This actually made me cry. This coupled with Janet, my eyes were burning with tears.

The Bad

Jaime~ was the host of the show and it was interesting. It was like watching your uncle at the family reunion trying to practice moves that he use to do in the 80’s, but he’s continuously falling down because he drank too much Jack Daniels. Now I’m not confirming or denying that he was under the influence of the Jesus Juice, but it damn sure seemed that way.

The Censors~ How the fuck you gonna have a show with rap music and be late on the bleeps. I heard *Shit, Pussy, Bitch, Fuck*. Come on, you might as well just scrap the shit and let them cuss up a storm. I know the FCC is gonna fine Debra Lee.

Beyonce~ This was a performance that BET could have done without. What was Bey thinking? First off, the song I don’t think was BET ready. That was a song for a show in Vegas. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love the song but it just wasn’t the right song for EBT….I mean BET. And the Tina Knowles collection you were rocking was an EPIC FAIL. No wonder no one I know buys that Deron crap.

No Chris Brown~ I don’t know what kind of tribute to Michael you were trying to do with no CB. True the dude beat a bitch’s ass, but he is bad as hell when it comes to his MJ shit. This was total fuckery. Chris would have done a bang up job*Oops no pun attended*.

Young Money Baby ~ Ok, this was the most R.Kelly type performance I ever seen. How the fuck you gonna sing “Every Girl in the World” song then bring up children on the stage while singing it? What kind of rape fantasies is that shit. You’re making me think R. Kelly produced that damn performance. I’m looking at these girls like, damn they look like 12 year olds. Not knowing my ass was right. Wow that was a frigging Fail Friday segment all on its own.

Non-Educated Asses~ No one seemed like they ever learned how to read on that show. Damn near everyone sounded stupid as hell. I’m gonna need these people to pick up a book and get the hell off of twitter. Lawd Tiny was the worse, but we all knew this chick sounded like her teef *yea I said teef* gets in the way of her words.

And the Nominees Are~ They totally axed that shit. How the hell I was supposed to know who was in the category? What was the sense in doing that? This is an award show people. I need to know who the hell is in the category so I can boo the people I can’t stand.

The MJ Tribute~ Where was the tribute they talked about? I didn’t see it. If I missed it please point it out to me? I thought it was gonna be some dancing or something, but I got nothing. MTV is gonna go out with a MJ tribute for yall asses. And it’s sad that a white network is gonna do a better tribute for a black man.

All in all, the award show was a waste of my time. Not only was it ghetto as hell, the shit was way too long. They made it seem like the MJ tribute changed the whole format of the show, but there was no damn real tribute. That just shows that this show was gonna be bootleg and they weren’t prepared. I officially gave up on BET. I don’t really mess with their ass anyway, but after this I no longer watch it because all I see is coonery, no black entertainment.

Holla at me: What did you think of the award show?

For The Love of Ray J Reunion Show

Last night was the reunion episode of the slut fest known as For the Love of Ray J. I waited for this for weeks and I must say I was so disappointed. It wasn’t as juicy as I would have anticipated, but I guess you can’t win em’ all. There were some interesting moments in the show, so I will basically recap what I found interesting.

1. Un-be-weave-able ~ Hair weaves and lacefronts were in full effect ya’ll. I have never seen so much hair since I seen Danger’s nekkid pic with the bushel on her coochie. Speaking of Danger and her hair, I wasn’t feeling the new do. Looked like a kool-aid packet exploded on her head and she had no time to wash it out. Just wasn’t feeling it. And Unique….heffa looked like the cowardly lion with all that dark blonde mess on top her head. Chick needed some courage to tell her stylist, the look made her head to heavy to hold up. I’m talking pounds and pounds of hair.

2. Chicago Larry *he he* ~ Molesta uncle was in the building. We all (when I say we I mean my twitter crew) couldn’t wait for the reunion in hopes that Chicago Larry would be there. Larry was the Russian chick *Caviar* photographer/boyfriend/molester. *only assuming the last one* This man has the creepiest voice known to man. He sounds like he had his way with a few kids in his time. Finally seeing this man, I saw an ostrich walk on set with multi-colored Oakley’s on looking straight perverted. His voice and his look make me want to take a steaming shower and wash the feeling of molestation off of my body.

3. Upgrade Award ~ Oh-Em-Gee! I would have to give the upgrade award to Chardonnay. Homegirl cleans up really nice. I think she was the best looking one there. For some reason I think she will have her own show.

4. Danger Danger~ We all knew Danger was coo coo clock crazy. Bitch never hid that from us. But she came on and blasted Ray in the worse way. We all heard rumors that she was preggers for him, but no one ever confirmed or denied that statement. Well Danger said she thought she was pregnant and a “friend” ran to the press and told them. Ray’s eyes got so big I could see what the hell he was thinking. That was like watching Maury and him getting results that he was the father. Too damn funny. Next time I bet he will strap up before smashing random chicks with tigers on their faces.

5. Hoes Be Beefin~ What was considered beef looked more like two heffas chatting to me, but it was between Cashmere and Unique. Cashmere finally opens her fucking mouth and tries to diss Unique saying that she is Bi. Um I don’t really care. What I do care about is that she thought Unique was her friend. I actually don’t think Unique was wrong in how she played the game. It was a competition, not a friendship. You can’t go into that environment thinking you’re gonna make life-long friends. Heffas you gunning for the same man, you think this is a game? This is real life. Do like Unique did and man the hell up. LMAO *Zing*

6. Downgrade Award~ This heffa was never an upgrade to begin with, but when she walked out on stage I knew this award was for her. Cocktail came out in a pea green prom looking dress. Looked like a hot as mess. She looked like those folks that have their babies go into Wal-mart wearing a prom dress and tennis shoes.*Not gonna say the names, but you should know what I mean.*

All in all the show wasn’t what I thought it was gonna be. They edited alot of it, so they just left me semi-bored. Alot of the chicks I couldn’t remember, and the ones I do remember they never got air time. Not sure what I will do with my Monday nights at 10pm, guess I gotta wait until For the Love of Ray 2…Oh yes there is a Season 2. Its Vh-1 homies, I thought you knew. LOL.

Feenin Friday: My Letter To Idris Elba

Dear Idris,

I decided to write this letter to you, because I just think you’re the tops. Your movie “Obsessed” is coming out today and I would watch it, but I really don’t care to see Beyonce and her lacefront trying to act. I just wanted to express the love and the respect I have for you, and why I think you deserve to come to my home naked. Here goes;

1. Fine as hell ~ Do I really have to explain this one? You got the face that would make Ellen fall in love with a man. Your smile is intoxicating, and I think your dick might be the prettiest thing I ever did see. *I am at home after 5:30pm, come over*

2. The accent ~ I have an accent as well, but I think yours sound much sexier. My panties can slip off if you say the sexiest word like vulva. Say vulva to a random woman and her panties will magically appear in your pocket. * I can cook you a meal, and play some Beres Hammond in the background*

3. Your talented~ Not only are you a great actor, but you also dj. So that means you have quick hands, that can move in the right places. Ok nuff said *fanning myself* *I got some massage oils for you, I can give you a Swedish with a happy ending*

4. You look Skrong *Yea I said skrong* ~ You look like you can pick my ass up and love me up in mid air or against the wall. *I can make you some breakfast and iron your work clothes*

5. Look like you always have Chiclets ~ You remind me of an old school island man always chewing chiclets. I think though when you chew, you would make it look sexy as hell. But please don’t pop it, I would die a slow painful death if you did. *I can change a flat tire*

These are the 5 reasons why I love you. It may sound weird, but hey I am a weird girl. On the real your sexy as hell and a great actor. Congrats on the movie, and like I said I would watch it,but Beyonce and lacefront is co-starring so I will get the bootleg.

Love you


* This is all for pure fun, take the stick out your asses*