Fail Friday: Jermaine Jackson & his Imaginary Career

Dear Guy with the Nose,

*Chewing on sunflower seeds and spits them out on your shoe* What up playa? I just have so many things I built up in my head to say to you, that now I don’t know where to start. True enough you come from one of the most musical families of our time, but what crack rock do you smoke and where can I cop some? I don’t smoke the crack and such, but obviously the crack you on makes you believe that you’re more talented than William Hung. I wrote a letter to your senile Pappy not too long ago and now I feel the need to address you.

First and foremost, I want to give my condolences on the passing of Michael. He was a great entertainer, but I don’t know what the hell you’re trying to do. Obviously the apple doesn’t fall too far from the f*cking tree, because just like Pappy Joe you’re trying to capitalize off of your brother’s demise. Without Micheal you were just another odd looking n*gga with a fucked up nose job. I know you had a “music career” outside of the Jackson 5, but come on dude no one payed your ass no never mind. You were always looked at as Michael’s brother. I know you must have had some kind of resentment towards your little brother, seeing that he was the golden child of the family. The nerve your ass going around the world doing shows and shit in memory of your brother. You should have your ass whooped sir. Naw bump that, the promoters that request and pay your ass should be tared and f*cking feathered. They must be out of their damn minds requesting your ass. I bet you asked them to perform and I guess you said they can pay you in Blue Magic Hair grease. You need to sit your funny looking ass down.

Speaking of funny looking…WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT SHELLAC OF A HAIRDO? Looks like you took the term “Fried, Dyed and laid to the side” literally. Dude you need to stop using that damn Jet Black Beijing on your hair so much. Really in all honesty, how the hell you got that shit to look like that? It doesn’t move when a hard wind blows and it sits on top of your head so straight. Every time I look at you I think of Coming to America. You remember that scene where Daryl’s parents was sitting on the couch and when they got up they stained the shit with her Jheri Curl activator juice. I imagined you destroyed many ah sofas with that mess on your  head. Yuck…that shit makes me sick every time I look at you. Human hair don’t do that Jermaine. This just doesn’t seem right. It also looks like ur shit was lined up with a Sharpie. Like you sit in front of the mirror every morning and color in your shit. *shivers in disgust*.  Also, I think you’re of another life form. Pussy don’t produce people like you. You just don’t look human to me. They say Katherine is your mammy, but I think you were born in a lab in Sweden or something. Hell maybe all your asses are aliens and Katherine and Janet are the only humans. Only God and Michael know the truth and as you can see Mike has gone to glory.

This is what I really wanted to touch on. So I was listening to the radio and I heard something that made me almost hit into a Pinto on I-285. I heard *giggles* that you were trying to be the opening act for the Black Eye Peas. Jermaine, people are spreading lies about you. You need to get your people on this because I know damn well you couldn’t have actually tried to be on tour with B.E.P. I don’t know why these rumors are spreading like this, but you need to put a stop to this quick. Let’s say you did want to open up for them, WHAT YOU GONNA SING MAN? DYMANITE? Come on son…How does your music match with B.E.P? You would even come to that show? Hell my momma wouldn’t even come to that show and she grew up on the Jackson 5. See this is what I was talking about…imaginary career. Your daddy sure did a number on you..all those whippings done got your ass all crazy.

I hope I haven’t offended you in anyway. If I did well tough titty balls. You need someone to pull your simple ass back to reality. Whatever world you’re living in where unicorns run free and you got talent is a world no one else should ever see. Something is messed up in your brain, and your family won’t allow you to seek help. I will drive you to the clinic myself Jermaine. The first step is actually admitting you need it.

Be Strong Bruh

V.I.