Dear Lil Papa,
What’s up homie? What it look like? Yo son, I watched the award show on Sunday and there was a lot of shit going on. For instance, Kanye not letting Taylor enhance to her full potential, and Sir Gaga and all the odd ass costume changes. At one point bitch looked like she was wearing a cloak. The night was crazy beyond words. Speaking of crazy… *Clearing throat* Ok, now riddle my slow ass this; when the hell did you feature on Blue Print 3? I mean I got the album and checked the credits, listened to all the songs and I didn’t see featuring, written by, produced by, or inspired by…Lil Mama. Was there a special edition to the special edition where you laid down a hot 16 for “Empire of the State”? I mean what the fuck was your manly ass doing?
That shit was a moment in my life where I couldn’t breathe. I felt the life leaving my body when Jay looked at your ass when you had the nerve to jump on stage and get in your B-Boy stance. Who the fuck is you to take it upon yourself to leave your seat, and jump your peculiar ass on stage like “I got a right to be here. Where Brooklyn at”? My dude that shit was the funniest sadest ass shit I ever seen in all my days. The shit happened so quick, that if you decided to blink you’d miss it. What was your motivation for that? What made you do a Kanye on Hov? I know the majority of people in there was looking like “Well who the hell is this short older gentleman on the stage with Jay-Z”? You had the room and all of America perplexed. Hell I was so shocked and appalled I wanted to go to the airport, get on the first plane to NYC, hop a cab to Radio City and the moment you came out of there; bitch slap your punk ass for looking like a fool. Kanye done set our race back that night for fucking with lily white’s acceptance speech and here you go jumping on stage with your faux baby phat outfit on thinking you the best shit since finger waves. Negro please!
I know you’re probably wondering why I’m continuously referring to you as “dude”, “son”, “Lil Papa”. Well frankly sir, *in my best Ms. Swan voice* you looka lika man. I ain’t really trying to diss you at all homie, but your ass got the manliest features on God’s good green earth. Hell Miss Jay from Top Model looks more feminine than you, and you know how girlfriend looks. So I decided to Wikipedia you and I think this shit is broken. It says in Wikipedia that you were born on October 4, 1989. Bwahahahahahaha, bitch you need to talk to someone cause that’s gotta be a misprint. If Wikapedia is right *which I doubt* that would insinuate you’re 20 years old. *giggles* Come on Lil Papa, there is no way in hell-o kitty your structured cheek bones can be 20 years old. You look older than my daddy and my daddy dead. There is no way in this world of plastic surgery and botax that your ass can be 20 y.o. You may fool the white people of the world and Mario Lopez, but your muscular ass don’t fool me. I see right through you.
I can go on and on lil daddy, but I’m tired of writing this letter. I hope one day I can actually interview you. Well I don’t know what for, I write about relationships and sex, and I can put $20.00 you never experienced neither one. I don’t know what man or woman would even get with you, but anyway it’s been real son. Oh I decided to do a montage of the Best of Lil Papa, I hope you enjoy it.
*walks away from the computer. Then runs back* Oh shit I forgot to do my sign off. Go suck your own dick, cause I can bet you all of Tyra’s baby-haired lace fronts that you’re a tucker.
Love,
V.I
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Look at the next post for “The Best Of Lil Papa”
