Dear VI,

I have been in an open relationship with this guy for 2 years. It wasn’t open by choice, but neither of us tried to define the relationship.

I thought it would just happen in time.

We started as friends, spending every day together during the summers & during breaks. We could talk about anything. He understood me. He accepted me. He comforted me at my lowest moments.

I was always there to listen to him when he’d be stressed. When he didn’t want to talk about his troubles, we’d just disappear together.

Everything was great, we met each others’ families, spent Christmas together, all that.

After 6 months, I was ready to have sex with him. Things were great up until a year later.
He started to fuck other people.

Even though I wasn’t the only one anymore, nothing changed. The conversations, the sex, the fun, was even more enjoyable. But I couldn’t enjoy it because it didn’t feel special anymore.

I confronted him several times & he continuously lied, until I told him what I knew. Stupid I know. But I hated that feeling while I hid all that I knew.

He became more nonchalant about his doings. Even added a few more to his roster.

After that, we fell apart.

I still had and have feelings for him, and I know he does too. We had a huge argument in January because I was tired of acting like I was okay with it all.

We barely spoke for months. & our family & friends noticed a change in us both. I blocked his calls and texts during that time, hoping he would just stop, but he didn’t.

A few weeks ago, we saw each other again, had long talks like we used to had sex, and it all came back.

This scared the fuck out of me. I remembered how compatible we are, and every moment we had.

So the only logical thing to do was to friend zone him again. So we had the let’s just be friends talk.

He still calls and texts, we talk when we need each others advice or just someone to vent to.

BUT I’m still not okay. I can’t get past my feelings. & I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel like I won’t be there for him.

How can I distance myself without abandoning our friendship? How can I get my feelings out of the equation?

Unsure about my feelings

Dear UAMF,

It seems like you tried to turn a great friendship into a relationship. Here was someone that you had a great time with and can confide in, so why not be more. You were content in what y0u had and when you thought you were the only person, the second you found out you were not everything changed. At the end of the day, you were not in a relationship with this man even though in your mind you were. I don’t think you were just another one on his roster, but you definitly started acting like an insecure chick once you found out about those other women. At the end of the day he wasn’t into having a relationship. That’s why he had a team of chicks, men that really want something don’t keep a slew of nameless bodies around like that. If he wanted to be with you, you would have been his girl.

The fact that you tried to distance yourself from him was a good move. You couldn’t deal with your position so you had to bounce. I understand and agreed with what you did. What I don’t agree with is trying to keep a friendship with a man that you still have feelings. Girl, this is not going to work. There is no way you can be friends with someone while pine for them behind closed doors. You’re not ready to rebuild a friendship with this man. You still need to heal and get over it. Sometimes we’re not to be friends with everyone we come in contact with in life. You have to acknowledge that a friendship has ran it’s course and pick up the pieces and move on. You cannot be friends with him. If you continue to try I guarentee your feelings will be crushed once again. I think you want to keep him close to show him how solid you are and will be for him. If he hasn’t realized how great you are as a person by now he will never realize. Don’t allow anyone to take you for granted. You deserve better than a half ass relationship and friendship. Cut your loses and move on with your healing.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you see things clearer in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!