Hi..

I really need your advice on my situation..I was recently reunited with my ex whom I haven’t seen or heard from in 7yrs. We were young when we were together and we did a lot of grown woman and man things that produced a child that was miscarried I figure he  left me because I was pregnant, but that was not the case. He got locked up and had been trying to find me all theses years. Now that we have reunited its like we are back to where we were, except the fact that he had girlfriends or chicks that he engaged in acts with within the time we did get back together. He claims his love for me all the time but im not sure if he’s in love with me. Its only been a year since he been out and I’ve been there from the beginning til this day holding him down, but he’s admitted to stepping out on me and now im not trusting him.

He just made a commitment to me in May to let go of contact wit his ex and so far so good.Yet we only talk in the AM and its like he pushes me off da phone at night. I added him to my line and after its goodnight with me he’s talking and texting more people til 4 and 5 in the morning. He claims its his homegirls and I kinda believe him, but then again he a man.I asked him to be more open with me and understanding to my needs and wants, but that only leads to an argument and I’m not on that. My question is am I being to hard on him to the point where im not giving us time to grow on each other as older adults or should I just take it one day at a time?

Trust Him Not

Dear THN,

In my opinion this seems to be a childhood relationships, that seems to be forcing it’s way into adulthood. It seems like what you had back then should have stayed back then. From what you’ve briefly described it seems like he’s still making up for his time behind bars, and has you waiting in the wings in the process. For him to have to actually “commit” to you that he will no longer talk to his ex means that this has been a serious issue in your relationship. Then he admits being involved with other woman so of course you don’t trust him. The second a woman finds out that her man has been unfaithful, in her mind she always suspects that he’s still creeping. So no one can blame you for thinking he’s still f*cking out on you.

Now, in reference to this cell phone shit. I tell women all the time…NEVER EVER EVER PUT ANY MAN ON ANYTHING INVOLVING YOUR CREDIT. I’ve watched hella ass court shows to know that is one of the dumbest things you can do. The majority of the time dude ain’t paying the bill on time, or paying the bill period. Then you find out he’s using  your phone to hook up with other women. You’re saying he only talks to you at certain times of the day and whenever you talk to him at night it’s like he’s rushing you off the phone. Dude is still doing shady shit. Then he’s using the phone all hours of the night to talk to his “homegirls”? Yea he’s talking to homegirls alright. No man is gonna stay on the phone for hours with a chick unless he’s interested in her and wants to get them panties. Men aren’t that talkative so you know something else has got to be going on.

This is my personal opinion, but I think you should step away from this situation for a while. I know you have feelings for him, but dude is still not ready to  hang up his jersey. You might be holding on to the past a little too tight that you can’t see what’s really going on. If you feel you can put up with the games and the lying, by all means stick with him. If you know you can’t then you know what you have to do. At the end of the day, if your partner hears your cries and still doesn’t give a damn then why should you continue to?

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!

So last night while  doing my relationship show over on Da Flava Radio, one of the topics that came up dealt with acceptance. The question was asked “If you found out your man fathered a child outside of your relationship, what would you do”? Now I’m sure you guys know I’ve been through this before, so my answer came out like a bolt of lightening. I informed everyone I actually experienced that and left the relationship. Well, one of the listeners in the chat room wrote “There was no way I could have really loved him if I just ended the relationship”. That got me to thinking; why do some women feel like they HAVE to tolerate whatever a man decides to put them through? I’m not gonna say that the statement by the listener surprised me, because they are a lot of women out there that just put up with too much shit. No matter what the man does, sure she will be pissed for a while but eventually he will make her forget for an hour and then the next thing you know he’s back in the picture. Although that isn’t the case with all women, we must realize that everyone’s tolerance level is different. What I can’t take you probably can and vice versa. Getting back to what happened to me; there was no mistake I did love him. I loved him more than I ever loved any man at that time in my life, but doing what he did and lying about it was something I could not tolerate. Some folks thought I was tripping on the fact that he cheated. Hey sometimes shit happens, nobodies perfect but to bring a child in this world and hide it is just f*cking disrespectful to our relationship. Not only is that disrespectful, but you couldn’t respect me enough to wrap it up? That’s the major issue here. Men do what they want to do and don’t realize the consequences that might happen. You’re endangering not only yourself, but your endangering my life in the process. That is something I will NOT put up with. It was my choice to leave because even though I loved him, I felt there was no longer any trust in our relationship. If there is no trust there is really no relationship. I made this choice for me, because I ain’t gonna lie when I found out I felt like catching a case. I had no problem serving time in jail for murder. That was how angry I was, so instead of me rolling up on a n*gga and capping that ass I ended it. So many women put up with so much when in relationships and stay for various reasons. Although they “forgive” they can’t forget and that leads to always thinking he’s gonna do what he did again. Your tolerance level might be high when it comes to bullshit. Maybe your man can have 5 kids with other bitches and you just look the other way. I don’t know what you can take, but I know when it comes to my health, sanity and my womanhood homie don’t play that. So yea I got the hell outta dodge because even though the love for him was there, I loved me more. After all is said and done love doesn’t come in any shape, form,color nor time. Love happens whenever it happens, but one thing love should not do is constantly hurt. I didn’t want to continuously hurt in order to say I’m with him. I was woman enough and grown enough to realize I had to let this one go. Although I loved him I could not tolerate how he “loved me.

Attention VI

Have u ever felt the need to go f*ck a stranger cause your so extremely horny and feel like u can’t control yourself or have someone to do if for u???(out of breath right now!!!) I have this problem right now… It’s not that I can’t get a release from anyone, but the person who suppose to do it for me ain’t doing his job. I am not suppose to be looking at other alternatives when I have a man… He suppose to be made available anytime for these sessions. Have I told him how I feel about the situation???yes and no… I told him i he don’t want other people eating off of his “plate of food” he better get his act together…Because men suppose to like these type of things.. Or am I a sex fiend??? I would consider myself a sex fiend only cause in my past relationships, almost all of them was because of the great sex or the best oral…All I do is think about sex… I dream of it, as well as smell it all the time… I think about doing different stuff all the time… I want to be excellent at it… I want to learn new stuff…. It’s no fun learning them by myself, but I really love this individual and see him as not only my husband, but also as a friend and my baby daddy… Is there anything I can do without feeling the need to cheat??

Fiendin for it

Dear Fiendin for it,

…..UM…Hmmmm. Girl I think you got a sex problem. The reason I say that is because…well *whispers* you smelling it? Lol. Naw, I do think it’s the fact that you’re somewhat unsatisfied at home that leads you to constantly crave it. He’s not doing the job that you want him to do, so you just want to go buck wild on some woman’s poor boy child. It’s common to feel this way if things ain’t kicking off at the crib, the thing is not to act on it. If you love this man like you say you do, that alone should cause you not to cheat. If you do have a sex problem you need to seek help. Right now it’s like you’re a time bomb ready to explode at any moment.

I can never say this enough communication is key to any relationship. You need to let that man know what’s really going on. Throwing little hints here and there ain’t gonna get that p*ssy busted open. He needs to know the severity of this, and do what he needs to do to keep his woman happy. Men don’t rely on hints to know what’s going on, cause half the time their asses are so oblivious to the fact that your hinting shit to them. Get that man on the right track. I won’t encourage anyone to cheat. All I have to say is, if you’re thinking about cheating then you might as well end the relationship. That hour of random dick is gonna cause hell in your relationship. Plus, if your not sexually compatible with your man then your gonna forver have a problem. Sex is one of the major issues when it comes to relationships. Someone either wants too much or someone doesn’t want any. This is where the conflicts lie. If you and your boo isn’t on the same page sexually, the cheating thought will always be on your mind.

So my final answer is talk to your man and stop throwing hints. If you cheat, I hope you know what your getting yourself into because if he finds out you probably would have realized that shit wasn’t worth it.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!

xoxoxox

Can someone break it down for me and explain why do some women settle for what they can’t have? It’s like they feel they can’t do any better so they just do all kinds of scallywag shit. I’m assuming it makes them feel better about themselves. I’m talking about the hoes who’s only goal in life is to f*ck with other women’s men. I’m not saying the guy doesn’t play a role in this wack of bullshit. In fact he plays the biggest role of all, but this bitch always wants to get ig’nant and try to come at you sideways. All I gotta is sideline hoe’s need to be stopped. Naw their asses need to be destroyed.

You gotta be a brazen ass chick to have the balls to come from where you come from and decide you wanna TAKE another chicks man. Now I know if something is truly yours no one can just take your shit, but they do have a hell of a role to play in this drama. I know this chick who only f*cks with married men. I mean if that’s what you like to do that’s cool, but she does the total disrespect and contacts the wife to let her know she’s f*cking their husbands. If you think that’s bad…one time she mailed the wife some photos of the husband lying in bed NEKKID while he slept. Now wouldn’t you just punch the piss out of that bitch?

Why does she find this type of behavior necessary? Why is it your job to tell this woman that YOU have officially wreaked her home? Putting this no good n*gga to the side, as a woman how can you do something like that to another?  That is not only classless, but down right trifling. I find it sad that a woman can only resort to shit like that and still sits there expecting him to leave the wife and make her wifey. MOST OF THE TIME A MAN WON’T LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR A TRICK HE FUCKED WHILE MARRIED.

Then you have the bitches that wanna get buck on the main woman. Like she goes out of her way to f*ck with her. Saying and doing sly shit because she thinks she can. These sidelines hoes need to learn their places and stay the hell on the side. Does this steam from a lack of home training? The fact that there is a big ratio of women than men? Or is it simply a lot of triflin ass bitches in this world that just don’t give a damn about no one but themselves.

Holla at me: What do you think?

*Snapping Fingers* Welcome to the Diary of A Mad Guest Blogger. This is a segment where we feature readers that got thangs to say. I want you to give a special hand to NiKole.

Not sure when the roles changed but why have guys gotten so sensitive and passive. Don’t get me wrong I like a guy to care and be concerned but waiting by the phone for me to call or counting down the hours and minutes since my last call is borderline bitchassness. I need a man to check me and keep me in line cause I’m aggressive so he has to be a little more not a whole lot less.

I hate playing the guy role in a relationship because I will cheat. There is no way I won’t. I tried it twice and cheated four times. I love a man to be in to their feelings, but shit u don’t need to cry if you didn’t get to hear my voice before you went to bed. Sometimes I want to say “man up, you sure you have balls between your legs?”. It just frustrates me because I see why previous girls cheat because I’m pretty sure they thought they were dating a girl, and had to check their sexuality in cheating.

You can follow NiKole on twitter http://twitter.com/BlackBarbie860

This is a response email from the Ask V.I. blog I did a few weeks ago “Married Yet Still Single“. The husband wanted to address the responses to his dilemma. This is where you come in. I will let you guys respond to him. I won’t comment unless need be. This is your time to let it all out. Remember he’s listening and apparently so is his wife.

I hear the comments stated in response to my situation. As a husband, I gave my all to my wife. Understanding from a male perspective is something you may never understand. While many of you believe that I should not worry about the money, I believe you are sadly mistaken. You see, my wife doesn’t pay any bills and that nice automobile that she drives…I paid for that. I spoiled her..I intended to do that because she was my queen. Some of you women, however, are so pitiful that you take good men for granted and run them off then turn them into monsters. I say this to say that even had I given her a timely divorce, she would still have been entitled to some form of alimony. Not happening. I told her prior, you have 100% of me…now at best she is split 40/60 with the misses. I found out from the misses that she also reads Candy Diaries. So to the editor, its a small world.

As I was saying, some of you have husbands or boyfriends that have committed their all for you…don’t betray that because once you do, the trust is almost impossible to replace. Some of you are laying up with somebody’s husband right now…or somebody’s boyfriend ..maybe you may make a faithful wife or girlfriend some day because you have what it takes it seems to keep a man happy and would make him want to leave everything for you. Wives and girlfriends take note. And by the way I am not stringing the other woman along. She is a willing participant. This can not work if one does not know about the other. I believe I have never been as candid with a female as her. Why is that possible? Is it she is a better listener? Or her only desire is to make sure you feel appreciated.

Nevertheless, I now see how some men were able to have two entirely different families and sometimes they don’t find out about the other until the damn funeral. So for her betrayal why shouldn’t I be able to carry out this affair? Trust me it hurts her to know that something is up but she can’t catch me in the act. One thing a woman hates is when another woman is stealing from her cookie jar. Please tell me people, why shouldn’t I dog her out for however long so she can appreciate the good that she had?

Hi V.I.,

Since this is where my wife seems to air all of our problems out, I thought I might get involved. Recently, my wife and I have been have been growing distant in our relationship. In all actuality, I have found someone else that makes me happy. She is an island girl. I love to hear the way she talks, I love her conversation, I love her smile, and I love the way she does those ‘Jamaican’dances. On the other hand, the sound of my wife’s voice has become painstakingly irritable. My boy said that I should leave her but I asked him if he didn’t see the Benz parked outside or in fact the layout of my condo; a divorce won’t be cheap.

And I know everyone is turning up their noses right now but in all actuality, I am the victim in this situation. You see my wife cheated on me. I actually caught her at a hotel at 3am in the morning  with another man. I had never cheated on her. She was just being greedy. So why should I divorce her now and give her half of everything. She would be winning twice. I do not think it is fair. I know this is a woman’s forum so your responses may be biased but I believe that I should stay married to her and carry out my affair with my ‘island girl’. What do you think?

Married Yet Still Single

Dear Married Yet Still Single,

Now that is an interesting dilemma, but I think you answered your own question. I’m not sure how many people will agree with me on this, but I won’t give you wrong if you continued doing what you’re doing. I do think that you went about the whole thing wrong as f*ck though. When you found out she was cheating you should have proceeded with a divorce. Chances are if she was the one at fault you probably wouldn’t have to pay her spousal support. Hell I ain’t a lawyer what do I know. I just think you would have been better off dissolving the relationship at that time. The fact that she cheated has changed your relationship and your dynamic as a unit. You no longer trust her so you no longer care. You’re looking at this other woman because she brings something that you’re lacking in your home life. She’s something new and doesn’t remind you of your broken marriage. If you stayed with your wife to make it work, then that’s what you should have done. If you knew you could never trust her again, why stay married?

So, how did you meet this other woman? The reason I ask is because most women that hook up with a married man knowing that he’s married would expect him to leave the wife for her. They do extraordinary shit to make sure he sees something else in her. Is she happy knowing that you have no intention on leaving your wife? I think people should do what makes them happy, but you are messing with this other woman’s emotions and probably unaware of it. You’re already doing what you want to do, so telling you anything otherwise would just be a waste of time. Like I said in the beginning you answered your own question. Just know this, now you have left yourself open to get f*cked. If your wife decides to divorce you, you will look like the bad guy. The fact that she cheated will go out the window because you decided to stay in the marriage. Now you’re the bad person, so whatever happens in the end of this I hope all the drama will be worth it.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see it. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted.

V.I.

xoxoxox

Am I the only person that has ever been in a relationship that I no longer gave a f*ck about? Like, if he wanted to get some from some dumb soul I would give him a pack of condoms and send him on his way? Yea that might sound harsh to some of you, but that’s just how it be sometimes. Initially you like the person, you get into a relationship and 2 months later you can’t stand their ass. You only stay in the relationship because you like feeling a body next to you. You’re basically going through the motions. You may want to end it for many reasons, but do you try to rekindle the relationship or kick the lame to the curb?

I’ve been in a relationship where I just didn’t give a damn. I started doing all kinds of disrespectful shit to this dude. The long and short was I didn’t like his ass anymore. I guess after I got to know him I realized that me plus him equaled not a f*cking thing. Our relationship was dry as hell. There was no beauty, no spark, or substance. Hell even the dick was a snooze fest. I could have just ended it like normal people, but I knew if I did what everyone would say. I had a reputation for not keeping a man. Not because they no longer wanted me, but because I got so bored with their asses I dropped them like Beyonce dropped them Destiny Children. So, I guess I stayed because I didn’t want to deal with everyone asking me “What happened” again. I started going out more, talking to other men on the phone, hell I started having sex with someone else. It’s ok though because I was no longer having sex with him. I just didn’t give a damn about the whole situation. He cared for me, but I think he was trying too hard and that’s when my interest dwindled. He was begging…and I mean literally begging me to love him. I thought that was so odd seeing that we were only together for a little while. Then most of the things that I thought was interesting about him turned out to be a lie. See he felt the way to a woman’s heart was to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. True, it does work for a little while but the truth eventually comes out. It got to the point I couldn’t take him anymore and I just told him the truth. I didn’t paint a picture like I was struggling with my feelings, I told him straight up…”I don’t want you anymore. Being around you makes me angry”. Yea I was harsh, but I believe in tough love. He knew I didn’t want to be with him, but he ignored my signs. That should teach him to never ignore the obvious.

Relationships aren’t about tolerating each other, or having a sense of false hope. You can’t save something that you know has no chance in hell of working. If you find yourself in a relationship that has more negatives than positive, that’s not the relationship for you. If you did stay, then you’re settling. Some might say nothing is perfect in a relationship. That is so true, but you shouldn’t have to put up with something that you know isn’t right for you. In the back of your mind you know you wanna let it go, but you don’t because you just might be too afraid to be alone again. If your heart is already out of the relationship it only takes a little while for everything else to follow suit. A relationship should bring happiness to your life.  If your ass is just dealing with what you have, you don’t really have anything do you?

Holla at me: Have you ever been in a relationship where you just didn’t give a damn?

Everyone has different ideas on cheating or what is considered cheating.  One thing is for sure, it can’t be denied that signs play a major role when realizing that things just don’t seem the same between you and your partner. You may notice that your lover spends alot of time texting, or on the computer more often than they use to be. Automatically your mind will probably think that the other person might be cheating, but because you think it’s cheating does your lover see it that way?

I have been accused of cheating on multiple occassions. Not because they caught me cheating, it was because I just did the same things I did when I was single. For example, on weekends I go out with my girls to the club. That is something I did when I was single, and even though I may have cut down on my club activity because I wanted to spend time with my boo, he viewed it as cheating on him. I am not sure if it is just me, but how in the world was that cheating? I never take numbers and I always come back home to him, but what he considers cheating  I clearly don’t.

Some people consider emotional cheating just as bad as physically cheating. Your giving your time to someone else that you have an emotional connection. Even though your lover may not be easy to talk to about your feelings and “Jason” is, you confide in him. Although, you have not given into any types of temptation you MAY be feeling, are you still guilty of something? Others looking in might view it as stepping outside your relationship for some sort of fulfillment that your partner can’t provide, hence you are cheating.

In my opinion it all depends on the situation you’re currently involved in. Once you know your lover and their thought process, you can easily figure out their reactions if they would ever find out what you’re doing. It’s also depends on how far you take it with the other person. You run the risk of hurting everyone involved.

Holla at me: What do you view as cheating? Have you ever been in a emotional cheating situation?

Dear V.I.,

I decided to come to you because I don’t know who else to talk to. About a year ago I met this guy and we started dating. Every thing was going great for the first 4 months then he started acting differently. I suspected he was cheating but I wasn’t sure. One day while we were going out to eat I found a condom under the passenger seat. He said that his brother might have accidentally dropped it while he was giving him a lift. I was so naive, I didn’t really press the issue any furthur.

I then started noticing whenever I wanted to spend the night at his place, he always made up some excuse. Also, he would never leave his phone unattended whenever I was around. Every time I asked him if he was cheating he would always tell me it was all in my head. So one night I decided to do something I never thought I would ever do. I went over to his place and just stayed there to see if  he would show up alone at the apartment. I know that was wrong of me, but I wanted to know. I stayed there for 4 hours just waiting. He finally pulls up and there is a girl with him. I was so angry I ran up to them cursing and asking him what’s going on. That’s when I noticed that the girl was pregnant!!! She asked me who was I and I said I was his girlfriend. He quickly told her that I was not his girlfriend and I’ve been stalking him for weeks. He said that the girl was his girlfriend and their about to have their first child. I was so crushed I started crying and begging him right in front of her, basically looking like a fool. They left me crying outside feeling like shit.

For days I tried calling him so he can explain what was really going on. He ignored my calls and eventually changed his number. It’s been a year now and I still have feelings for him. I want him back!! I know I sound crazy but I do. I haven’t dated anyone since him and I don’t really care to date. He’s the person I want to be with, I just don’t know how let him know this. Help me!!

Thanks,

Tear Stained Pillow

Dear Tear Stained Pillow,

Sweetheart it’s been a year, you need to snap the hell out of this? The man didn’t want to be with you, or he would be with you. He told you in no uncertain terms that he was in a relationship with this other chick. Basically embarrassing the hell out of you. Let’s face it, you embarrassed yourself running up to him like you’re in a Lifetime movie. He was showing signs that he was doing something else, you just didn’t want to believe it. That’s why you continuously wanted more proof. You didn’t want to believe this man could be a dog, even though he was clearly showing that he was one. Also, the chick was pregnant. PREGNANT, meaning that n*gga on lock for the rest of his life.

I know it’s hard when someone we’re digging isn’t doing right by us, but you have to have some sort of standards. He was an ass and he showed his ass. He lied to you for months, didn’t respect you or his baby momma because he was lying to her too. A dude like that isn’t a man, and boo that is what you need in your life. I’m not sure why you feel like you need to settle for less, but no one should have to settle. You wasted a whole year crying over this dude, when you could have lived your life. You should never  loose yourself for a man no matter how fine , sweet or big his dick stands. So dust the dirt off your shoulders and buck the f*ck up. You’re too cute for all that.

I really hope I’ve helped you in some way. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make the right one that will be in your best interest. Keep me posted.

Thanks

V.I.

xoxoxoxoxo