Dear V.I.,

Well, I’m an emotional in love with a friend. I’m 23 yrs old and I lost my virginity a year ago to my friend that I’ve known since high school. He’s always liked me and I guess I didn’t feel the same way. During the past year we were suppose to be just friends who have sex and I tried to stay that way. But I started to notice that I was starting to like him so I would push him away. For example he would frequently ask me if I liked him and I would say NO, or he would ask if I missed him and I would say No. Besides that I’ve always been mean to him. I was just trying keep from catching feelings by just ignoring what I felt. I would tell him to go mess with other ppl so he wouldn’t be on me so much. This past summer I realized that I wanted to be with him or that I at least liked  him the way he likes me, but before I could tell him I found out he went out to eat twice with my cousins bf(I’ve never liked her). SO I didn’t tell him instead I asked about that situation and basically he was like didn’t u mess around with (Blank) and I didn’t but I guess he did because (blank) is my type. Fast forward a few months around the middle of October we stop talking because I said some stuff that made him mad so we stop talking for two weeks but I apologized (I did feel bad). He saw me a few times and texted but still ignored me for another month. After that we seen each other twice and talked then he tells me that he got someone pregnant and is about to be a dad….It’s HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND (who he was with right when we first started messing around). And I was so hurt I just don’t know what to do. He’s the type to be there for his kid and he’s said so. He told her he wasn’t ready and didn’t want any kids but that he couldn’t make her go through with another abortion. So he’s basically saying that he don’t want to be like his father and he kinda don’t want nobody else raising his baby. He says that he wants to be with me but a part of him want to be with her and raise the baby. He’s like “You could be my girl and I just have a baby mama“ and I told him he can’t have sex with me and her Im not letting that fly.

I mean I feel like my chance has passed and that he was basically the one. I mean I never messed with him before because I felt like once I got with him that was it, we would be together kids, marriage the whole nine and I’ve always felt that way I just wasn’t ready. I mean I want to give him babies and be married and be with him (Haven’t told him, don’t wanna freak him out)and he told me that had I told him I how I felt we wouldn’t be going through this. And I’ve always said I’m not messing with nobody with a kid because of the drama and I don’t want to get cheated on. Now I feel like I wanna give it a chance and be with him and I just see this going down a bad road if he doesn’t handle this right. I just don’t know what to do, because I’ve never been in this situation before with a guy before. I’m just torn and I think my heart is broken. I’m this hurt and I’m not emotional but I cant help but cry and what not sometimes….(all this happened last week Wednesday and I’m still upset…smh) Idk whats wrong with me…

Emotionally In Love

Dear EIL,

Let me start off by saying you don’t want or need the drama. Right now dude has a lot on his plate, and you getting in the middle of his mess will not make for a good relationship. I honestly don’t think you really have feelings of “love” for this man. Sure you may love him as a friend, but I don’t think you really love him romantically. You were wrong for getting that intimate with a friend that obviously felt more for you than you did for him.Nevertheless, you gave him something that all women hold dear to them…your virginity. Once you gave that part of yourself, your coochie started exhibiting feelings of love. You love how he made you feel sexually, that’s why you think you’re in love with him. Then when other chicks started to come into the picture you got protective. Your coochie love feeling started getting threatened and that told your heart to react.

The fact that you said that he told his child’s mother that he wasn’t ready to be a father, but couldn’t make her go through with an abortion is just bullshit. If he didn’t want kids that he should have used protection. I am so sick of people using abortion as a contraceptive. Stand up and take responsibilities for your actions. I don’t advise you to get in the middle of this situation. Not only does he have to deal with this girl on a regular basis, but there is a baby on the way. That will leave you on the sidelines, and that is clearly no where you want to be. He is your first and that weighs heavily on what you’re feeling, but I say let him go in his direction and you go in yours. Right now you’re emotionally in love, but you will see that you made the right decision to let him go.

It’s 10:00am and you’re finally waking up. Your head is pounding and you can’t remember shit from all the Patron shots you drank the night before.  You look over because you realized that you’re not alone. You peek to see the unknown face of the person occupying the other side of the bed. When you finally see their face, your shit automatically turns into the WTF face. Laying next to you is your homeboy, your “brother”, your best friend and his ass is butt naked. You’re not sure if you did anything, but the torn XXL Magnum wrapper says otherwise. You’ve officially  just crossed the line. You got your d*ck supply from someone you considered family. Can you admit to him that what you did was a mistake? Can your friendship ever regain that status it once held?

Let’s face facts here; Sex changes everything. I don’t care who you are, everytime you have sex something happens. You either decide that you won’t do it again or your ass wants that stiffness betwix your thighs one mo’gin. Transitioning from friends to lovers is never an easy thing. Chances are someone out of this relationship always had some sort of feelings for the other. Maybe they’ve kept it to themselves or told you outright, either way sleeping with them casually WILL destroy the relationship. People hold onto whatever little feeling of desire they “think” the other person may have for them.

Perfect example…I know someone that befriended a homely looking girl. Damn homely, the chick had scattered features. It was so bad that when dude described her to me he said “She’s ugly”. *That was foul as hell by the way* Apparently they were actual friends, but this girl was so into him she basically she was there whenever he needed someone. She was trying to be more than a friend, while he was just trying to kick it. Now I don’t know exactly how this part happened but they slept together. He was so pissed that it happened, but he couldn’t take it back. How could he tell his friend that the night that obviously meant something to her was a mistake for him? The next thing you know she started using available sex as a way for him to ”want” her, and being that he’s weak his dumb ass fell for it. The poor dear gave him the coochie wishing that he felt the same way for her, while he continued to smash and started not giving a shit about her. He no longer saw her as a friend, he saw her as a free piece of  p*ssy. It took her a while to realize that she was now being used and she confronted him about it. He simply said, “It was a mistake from jump street, but you kept the p*ssy coming”.

Yo, I hate trifling ass people like that. True enough he knew he made a mistake by sleeping with her, but the fact that he didn’t let her know from the beginning was wrong. I knew something like that would hurt any one’s feelings, but if you value that friendship you would do what you have to do to rectify the situation. Many people use this shit to their advantage and never realizing that they’re hurting the other person. Then you have some people that sleeps with their friends then pretend like it never happened. Not discussing it is also a way to hurt the friendship. I’m not saying that friend can’t transition into lovers. Hell I’ve loved up on a friend or two back in the day, but if you know the feelings aren’t there on your part why lead them on? This is just gonna create more drama and develop an awkward situation if you both share mutual friends. Before you make a stupid decision, stop and decide is it worth it in the long run. You will realize you’re not only messing up a friendship, you’re also messing with someones heart.

Holla at me: Have you ever been in the situation where you slept with a friend? What was the result?

Every woman has a FRENEMY!! That’s the homegirl who you’re cool with, but you keep that bitch at arms length. You try not to confide in her because you know deep down that chick wants to see you fail. It’s a jealousy issue.  This chick feels like she has to one up you at every possible moment. The majority of the time you’re in a damn competition with her and don’t even know it. These my lovelies are what you would call Frenemies. Only someone with a keen eye for no good scallywags can differentiate  a friend from a foe.

I’ve known some frenemies in my day, and I treated their asses as such. Back in my college days I met this chick. We were from the same place, knew most of the same people and just got along really well. We became homegirls instantly. Little did I know that young lady disliked me. Well, maybe she didn’t dislike me but she damn sure hated everything I had. One time we were on the bus and these two guys came on also. One of the guys came up to her and started talking to her. As usual she started flirting, batting her eyes and what not. Now I’m not one to stop game, so I just minded my own business. The next thing I know his friend walked up and started talking to me. Now doing a side by side my guy was a f*cking gem compared to her dude. This chick saw my guy looked better and did a complete 360 on ol boy and started dissing him. She immediately got jealous because the one that was more visually appealing was digging me.

I didn’t really view that as a sign, hell I was naive as hell back then. The shit didn’t get sticky until a few months later. This long torso having, big faced heffa did something that made me want to slap the lip gloss off of her scabby lips. This chick knew an ex boyfriend of mine from back home, now I began to notice that she always brought him up in conversation. I assumed that she had a crush on him because he was one of those lady magnets. ***He was an old-fashion He-Hoe*** One day she came running up to me with glee on her face. She told me she met a guy today and he looked just like my ex boyfriend. At first I was like, why the hell is she telling me this? I met the guy and he did favor my ex in a lot of ways. Every time this dude came around she would say “OMG, doesn’t he look so much like your ex”? This chick had to get someone who looked like the ex just to make me feel bad. I’m not gonna front, in the beginning I felt like shit. Then after I got to know him, that dude was a bitch compared to the ex. He was just a damn cry baby. No back bones or balls to his name. That bitch held them shit in her faux Gucci. Our friendship ended with that heffa thinking that she was woman enough to put her hands on me. I would’ve so Hulk Hogan that hoe.

I used that example from my past to show that no matter how cool a person may seem, you never know what they really think about you. That chick didn’t like me because men saw me as a something more than a jump-off, while the same men saw her as the class hoe. She always felt like she had to compete with me, when half the time I didn’t know my ass was in a competition. You can’t stop these people from entering your lives. The only thing you can do is be aware and keep them at a safe distance. If they do something to piss you off, don’t take that shit lightly. I didn’t listen to my inner self with this chick and you see the last time we spoke it was going to be done with violence. The shit got too far and frankly I couldn’t take it anymore. Thank goodness that chick didn’t hit me because instead of this being a blog, this would have probably been a pen pal letter to some soul that doesn’t wanna hear about my struggles on the inside.

Holla at me: Do you have/had a frenemy? If so, what did they do to let you know they were one?

Ok, so it’s Christmas day. The day all little kids dream of and all parents spend money they don’t have. Now that it’s here we have one week until 2010 is upon us and I wanted to remind everyone that we all need to go into the new year with a clear path. All unresolved issues need to be cleared before we enter the new year. So whatever lingering relationship you think you’re in, you need to figure out if taking that shit into 2010 is worth the hassle. I mean why the hell would you want to bring shit from a year that you obviously had issues when you can start a new? I’ve decided to make a list the shit that I am leaving in 2009.

1. Being Po~ I’m not actually poor, but I know I need to get my money up in 2010. The “recession” only seems to be happening to certain people and I happen to be one of them. I need to make my ends longer so I can get get get it.

2. Get rid of dead weight~ Anything dead isn’t worth saving. Like split ends. Why you holding on to it for? Anything dead in my life will be dumped come 2010. If you don’t contribute anything to my life I have no use for you. You’re taking up valuable space and that shit isn’t gonna fly anymore. If you know me personally and you feel like I’m talking about you, then it might just be your lame ass.

3. Celibacy OVER~ iCant with this celibacy shit anymore. I mean ok, I went this long without it, but now my point and motives are over. I am just depriving myself of some great ass wood. I refuse to have my body shut down from lack of dick. You know you get sicker from lack of sex right? I done had bronchitis, a sinus infection, and a cold every other week. I need some good man wood.

4. Stop seeking advice from the lonely and desperate~ Ok so I have a few friends that are very bitter. When I say bitter I mean these heffas think everything is a motive for something. For example …”He says he wants to take me out. Do you think I should go”?… her “Girl he’s trying to just f*ck you and leave your ass”. Why it gotta be all that? Why the f*ck am I asking your lonely ass anything for in the first place? What can you possibly tell me that would be positive? Chile Bye!!!

5. Live My Life~ I think this year I’ve neglected to actually enjoy my life. I held back on doing certain things, going certain places all because I just wasn’t in the mood. I’m doing my own thang this year. No more waiting or holding out. We got one life to live people, let’s get ta living it.

Have you ever thought of what you wanted to leave behind in 2009? Do you see yourself following through with it? In all I predict 2010 will be a better year than 2009 ever was. Shit I wish today was Dec 31 so we can start fresh and new in the morning. Well I hope you guys enjoy the rest of the day with your families and loved ones. Even if you’re by yourselves it’s ok. Continue to give thanks for the things and the life you do have instead of dwelling on what you don’t.

Love,

V.I.

xoxoxoxoxo

I think people need to draft up sex contracts. It would make everything so much more simpler. If you’re just having a sexual relationship with someone, there should be rules and bylaws that they need to adhere to. People go into a “friendship” and think if they f*ck him just right he would magically fall in love and make babies and all that shit. IT DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. If you decide to enter into a sexual relationship with someone it’s just that…SEX. No romance, no love…sex. If you know you’re looking for more and you think getting that person in your bed is the fastest way to get them to love you, your dead ass wrong. That’s why you need this contract, to prevent crazy shit from happening once they realize there will be nothing more.

Usually when people enter into a sexual relationship someone has came out and said one of two things…”I’m not looking for a relationship” or “I’m in a relationship, but I don’t mind kicking it with you”. They’ve made their positions perfectly plain, but the other person might think they can change things if they just had the chance. Some folks go into it thinking  “He says he’s not looking for a relationship, but once he gets this coochie he’ll change his mind”. I don’t care how spectacular your coochie might be, some people take sex as what it is. You’re just the easy bitch with bomb coochie. Understand your role in this thing. The more he f*cks you, the more you’re falling in love. While he’s there pounding the stuffing out of your cushion, you’re imagining  he’s all yours. Then you start acting more like the girlfriend than the “friend”. You’re calling and texting him over and over again. You’re going through his phone when he’s sleeping. Checking his facebook and twitter to find out what chick has he been talking too a little too much. You’re the jump-off honey. You have no right or claim to that man.

I don’t want to make it seem like this doesn’t go both ways. I know a few men that got that shit twisted a time or two. I once had a guy roll up on me while I was out and started questioning me and shit. I had to break his ass down to size and let him know that what we DID *cause I was done with that after he tried to embarrass me in public* was for shits and giggles. Nothing serious on my part. I let him know from the jump I wasn’t interested in getting into a relationship, but I guess he thought his d*ck would change my mind. The only thing good dick would do is make me want more of it. Once my mind was made up there was no changing it. I didn’t want a relationship period. If you say you understand and you’re not interested in one either I don’t expect you to renege and shit. I figured that he was getting a little too into it when one night while I was over at his place, he started to cry when I started getting dressed. I came over for sex…it is now over…time for me to roll. What reason do I have to stay there? He started crying and said that he wanted me to spend the night. For what? I got a perfectly good bed at my crib. At that moment I knew his ass was taking this somewhere else.

There are rules to this “just sex” thing, but folks forget the rules when the sex actually starts. Whatever you want to draw up in your contract should pertain to what you do and don’t want. I wonder if a contract like this would hold up in court? If someone breaks something in the contract their asses should be fined or you can sue. I know this sounds so unrealistic, but people need to realize that having sex with someone does not make them yours. If you both decide it is what it is, you would be wrong to then say “I want what I want”.  In my opinion you’ve just trapped that person in a situation that they clearly didn’t want or expect to be in. Sex makes people crazy and if you realize from the jump that this person might get a little too into the whole thing don’t bother f*cking. Trust me, you’re gonna end up in a situation you never asked to be in.

Holla at me: If you could draw up a binding sex contract, what would some of your terms be?

What are you thankful for? I know we go through our everyday lives complaining about the things we lack, but never thankful for the things we have. As the holidays approach there are many people out there that can’t provide for their families. There will be no grand Thanksgiving dinners or the kids will have to go without presents this year. As the economy declines everyone is in a bind. With all this, we still need to be thankful for life, family, and love. No matter how bad things may be, you’re alive when you don’t have to be.

I want everyone to be safe out there this holiday season. No matter what you’re going through just know it’s only temporary. All our situations are temporary. I’m thankful for my family, friends, and the ability to love. So…What are you thankful for?

Have a safe holiday season from all of us here at Candy Diaries

Love V.I

xoxoxoxox

Ms. Miserable

One of the things I hate when dealing with women is females who have a Ms. Miserable in their close circle of friends. Who is Ms. Miserable? It’s that one friend(s) who’s so happy, single, and “Independent” but deep down inside she’s miserable. A large amount of females have an Ms. Miserable in their crew of friends.  These are the type of chicks that always tell you that they wanna see you happy, but deep down inside they wanna see you miserable along with them. The saying “misery loves company” is not to be taken lightly. I had a few of these chicks interfere in a couple of my relationships in the past and it was one of the most annoying experiences ever. As a man, we know once a woman’s friends start getting in their ear bad talking us, here comes the BS.

Signs of Ms. Miserable

1. They are extremely overprotective of you, but ONLY when it comes to your love life though
2. They claim they want to see you happy, but they show signs of being unhappy their selves. No unhappy individual wants to see others happy.
3. They don’t like any of the men that you get involved with
4. They always encourage you to stay single
5. They hate men in general

If you ever want to drop off of a dude’s radar, involve your Ms. Miserable friend in your relations. That’s one of the deal breakers with me next to bad hygiene, bad attitudes, and dependency. Most men will agree, we all dislike Ms. Miserable. A great deal of the time, Ms. Miserable knows little to nothing about the guy but she constantly throws salt at him.  The only thing she does know is that he dates her friend, so she assumes the role of the “over protective friend.” When dating or getting to know a female, there is nothing more annoying than one of her friends being involved like she’s the 3rd mate in the relationship. Ladies, have you ever wonder why some things didn’t never work out with a guy that you really liked? Well, if Ms. Miserable was involved chances are she may have caused the fallout.

As a dude, I can’t have miserable dudes  in my circle of friends. I wouldn’t want a dude “blocking” or hating on a female who I’m kicking it with. Some dudes allow their friends to hate on the females that their involved with, but some don’t. There are some Mr. Miserable’s out there as well. On the homeboy side of things, and the female side of things where a female has male friends. It’s nothing worse than trying to get to know a female and her male friend blocks like it’s his career.

If you have a Ms/Mr. Miserable in your circle, keep them away from your dating life. You can still be friends with them, but do not involve them in your dating life. They may seem like their overprotective and care so much about your love life, but in reality, these people are dangerous. If your friends really want to see you happy, they will let you do what makes you happy. Ms. Miserable portrays a role of playing inspector to your dating life, but the problem is that you’re supposed to be playing inspector, not your friends. Truth is, Ms. Miserable only wants to see her friend’s happy if she is the purpose or cause of their happiness. Caution, once again do not involve your miserable friends into your love life. I’m out!

Domino

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