Not every man has the knowledge of satisfying a woman orally. Some just go down there and eat that shit like they’re in a hot dog eating contest, while others devour that coochie like a fat kid with an ice cream cone. I’m not sure if eating the cooch puts too much pressure on a man that he goes in there like he’s retarded, or he’s just inexperienced in the art of making her cum with his tongue. *My Infomercial Voice*Here are some rules and techniques that can help you *pointing finger* become a better lady coochie eater.

Oral sex is better when wet by other means. Sure she can get wet from it, but would you rather do something that can get her wet and throbbing first then go in for the kill? I have some rules when you actually get down there. First rule in coochie munching; never bite a clit. *Warning: If you bite her clit, she will knock you the f*ck out. Don’t say I didn’t warn you* A woman’s happy button is a very sensitive instrument; you can’t go in there like you’re jaws and crunch and munch it. Nibble on the grissle, suck on the clit flesh just don’t bite it. You have to tease and taunt her with your mighty tongue. Take your tongue and massage the labia *that’s the p*ssy lips to you non-educated men out there* work your way around all the crevices. That way you can make her extra excited with your wetness, and that would create the perfect situation to do your job more effectively.

Another rule I have when giving her oral stimulation: Never hit it and quit it. This isn’t a marathon son; you can’t just give her two shakes and ready to stick your d*ck in there. You know you get mad when she tries that shit with you, so why do it to her? Work that tongue like it’s your man meat and tongue smash her. I know it’s a smaller instrument to work with *well some of you might feel right at home*, but you have to know how to do other things than just lick on the top. Go in and out, move it from side to side; do something that can make her scream your name or her man’s name or whoever. Flip her over and eat it from the back. Ladies, get that man in the Ear Muff position; that’s when you’re both laying on your sides and he gets between those thighs and you grip his head with them. Not only is that shit fun, but you can apply as much pressure to his head to make him continue until you’re done.

My last and final rule to carpet munching: Don’t be afraid to get glazed with her juicy goodness. Don’t be afraid of cum…cum is your friend. Hell cum is your reward for a job well done. When she’s spent from all the tongue lashing, you can enter her with your mighty peen and make her double back on herself. I’m sure you will take heed to the information I have bestowed on you. *Slapping ass* Now go off in the world and be somebody.

So fellas, I got another homework assignment for ya’ll. This is only for the men that eat that cooch. Hell, there are some of you out there lying like a bear skin rug talking about you don’t get betwix those legs and slurp up all the  cooch juice.  I wanna introduce you to the Venus Butterfly Technique. You’re probably wondering what in the hell is this technique and how do you know about it. *Ashley Banks voice* “Mind yo bidness that’s all, just mind yo bidness” lmao….I slay myself sometimes. The technique was actually a fictional one that was worked into an old L.A Law episode, but somehow the folks done made it real. Venus Butterfly Technique consists of stimulation of the clit with the tongue. You might be saying “Yo V.I., I do that shit on a regular basis”. Yea I know *side eye* but you never done it like this son. Sit down, relax and let me school you on clit 101.

Some of ya’ll treat the clit like a damn chew toy. Going down there and putting your teeth all on it, just doesn’t fly. The clit is a very sensory piece of equipment. You do something to make it feel uncomfortable and you can kiss sex good bye. The clit is the surest way to give a woman multiple orgasms. Shit, you don’t even have to eat the cooch to get that response. You can use your finger and make her um soul glow. Now I must warn you the Venus Butterfly Technique actually creates hour long orgasms, if you do it right. This technique also involves the G-Spot so you need to actually find it. It’s usually two inches inside of the vagina. If you have no clue where the G-Spot is, you can also work with the rectum…well if you like that sorta thing. You can put your finger up there and put your mouth on the clit. So stroke the clit with your tongue *lick, lick, lick* then do a long stroke down the perineum. The perineum is right between the vulva and the anus. This usually prevents her from cumming too fast. Now for the climax.

When she starts to get really aroused…I mean REALLY aroused you start tapping on her G-Spot with your finger while you’re still stimulating the clit with your tongue until she cums. When she’s cumming don’t you dare move, keep on giving that clit the tongue action. The main thing with this is to again know your woman’s body. The majority of the time if you just don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing the woman will tell you what you need to do. Surprise her and take control of the situation. On the other hand if you don’t feel like doing all that work in learning her body and what not make things easier and just buy the We-Vibe2. It does the exact same thing and you can enjoy the simulation as well.  Get yo nut on son *Harlem Shakes out of the room*

Men kill me when their trying to get their fruit waxed. “Aww baby you don’t have to suck it, but just give it a little kiss”. Bwahahahahahahaha! Negro please, don’t you know if a woman wanted to suck on the lolli you wouldn’t have to ask her. This is 2010, women go for what they want and regret nothing. This isn’t high school where you have to bribe a chick into giving you brain…grow the f*ck up son.

Men, if you do end up with a woman that plays along with your little game and then regrets the dick suck; you need to fire her quick fast and in a hurry. There is no need to have a chick in the role of a lifetime, if her audition sucked..lol no pun intended. I’m not saying you have to get a professional sucker of dick, but you need to pick out the superstar in your cast of thousands. Someone who understands her job, and practices and practices until she out-shines your expectations. Or you can get a professional, but then you have to deal with egos and shit and then she’s telling you what she won’t do and when she won’t do it. Who needs the hassle anyway?

All I’m saying is, pick the real women from the fake broads. A real woman who is secure with herself and her abilities, and has no problem taking the dick to the head. An unsure chick would debate in her mind over and over, then if she actually does it she acts like the shit got Sars on it. The poor dear will be afraid to grip it, she’ll hold it with her index and thumb fingers and look at it like Michigan J. Frog is gonna jump out and sing “Hello My Baby”. Come on now…..

Holla at me: Ladies, when you’re giving oral for the first time do you try to do the best job you can? Fellas if she is doing the best job she can, do you notice?

*Snapping Fingers* Welcome to the Diary of A Mad Guest Blogger. This is a segment where we feature the bloggers that got thangs to say. I want you to give a special hand to The Mystery Lady.

I can’t count how many porns I have seen where I guy practically thrusts his entire penis into a chicks mouth while she is giving up that Becky. But what baffles me is that men don’t take that same aggressive approach to eating pussy. MEN: Just like you want to feel your dick in the back of my throat, women want to feel your ENTIRE mouth ALL OVER our pussy. Not some little tongue flick on my clit before you try and put it in, but an all out, baby bib required, pussy on your sideburns, eat out session.

N*GGA STOP PLAYING AND EAT MY PUSSY RIGHT!

I have heard one too many complaints from my homegirls and even my own unfortunate experiences with pussy teasers. So I have decided to offer these tips to “Eating the Pussy Right”

1. WATCH TREY SONGZ INVENTED SEX…I know you as a straight man hate everything this little nigga Trey embodies, but there is an obvious reason chicks are trippin over this video. Why? Cause he has his pre-pussy eating game tight! Take notes men, licking the legs, inner thighs, stomach, add ice to that equation and you are only 2 steps from having the good” WET WET” you all love. Now take your time with this, take her clothes off slow. If you are skilled enough take her panties off with your teeth, come back up kissing her legs while you work up to her thighs that you will lick before you get to the center of the tootsie pop….next

2. USE YOUR HANDS…I’m sure if you are reading this the first thing your freaky ass did when you got a girl alone back in the day was finger her. This should not be a foreign concept to you. But what you need to do is move from Finger Poppin 101 to AP FINGER FUCKIN! Do some nasty shit to continue to set the tone for what is about to happen to her ass! Stick a couple fingers in at a time, alternate speed of the stroke, lick your fingers to show her how good it tastes, shit if she get down like that make her lick your finger after you’ve taken a dive into the candy shop! While you have this going, THIS IS THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO FLICK THE CLIT with your tongue…continue to penetrate with your fingers while flicking the clit, if being done properly the neighbors should hear undistinguishable phrases that may or may not be your name.

3. GET CHIN DEEP…I know you men are way too familiar with the phrase “balls deep” but what you need to do now is get chin deep in the pussy. Here is the part where you can improvise depending on the moans of pleasure you are hearing from your partner. Some things that I suggest are slurping, yes, slurping the pussy like its the milk in the cereal bowl after you finish your fruit loops. Lick the pussy with your ENTIRE TONGUE like its the remnants of the cake batter bowl…catch my drift fellas?!? By this time she should be wetter than a water park and begging you to put it in…so please don’t waste all this time and effort by slanging some wack peen…nothing ruins good head faster than some wack peen……

 What you men are failing to realize is that for women head is a gateway drug to getting the sex, head, the whatever you’ve always wanted…..Eat the pussy right and I guarantee you will NEVER have to ask for anything EVER again.

I think some of the most awkward positions make for the best orgasms. I don’t know if it’s just me but the missionary position rarely does anything for me. I’m not saying that sometimes when that d*ck hits the wall I don’t wince from excitement. I’m saying that I can guarantee that laying flat on my back with homie pumping for greatness isn’t gonna make shit happen. I need something different, something complex, well something more me. I think all couples should dare to be different. Doing the same old things in the bedroom can cause the relationship to dwindle. I for damn sure don’t wanna be with a man that thinks being on top and giving 4 good pumps is gonna move my soul. You do some shit like that and I would properly hurt your feelings and break out the toy that will put your dry ass dick to shame. I’ve decided to list some of the best positions that can make you cream, buck, and shiver with excitement.  FYI…I’m making up some names here so please excuse my terms.

1. D*ck Riding~ This is an oldie but a goodie. Women need to get their riding game up in 2010. I know some women can get intimidated by this act, but feeling that d*ck standing straight up in your coochie can definitely make you moisten. If you feel embarrassed about riding d*ck turn your ass around. Let his ass see your back while you plop and rock back and forth on his wooden instrument. I always liked the lean forward. If you’re facing his feet move your body forward and hold on to his legs. By holding on you have a way to keep slightly balanced and the d*ck can easily hit your tender walls.

2. The Stand and Bend~ This is actually one of my favorite position. Ladies, stand and spread your legs as far as you can get them and be comfortable. Next, you’re gonna be and touch the ground. Fellas, all you have to do is get up in her. If you can keep your balance good for you. He’s gonna be thrusting so if you place your hands to the floor that should help you with balance. Basically this is nothing but doggy style, but you’re standing up.

3. Missionary Mambo~ If you just can’t get away from the missionary position here is a exciting way to jazz it up. Once he’s on top wrap your legs around his neck and thrust your pelvis into his d*ck. Damn I wish I had a visual example on what I’m talking about. When you do this your ass can be lifted off of the bed, so your back on up is still supported. The majority of these position teaches you balance. So you’re killing two birds with one stone in my opinion.

4. Stand and Carry~ Now you gotta be a strong somebody to f*ck with this position. I find you can’t do it that long because of the weight involved. Plus everything starts to get weak when you hit that spot. I view this position as a new form of riding d*ck. I don’t think I need to explain how this goes, it’s pretty self explanatory.

5. Upside down 69~ Now this is sort of a warm up exercise. Fellas pick her up from her legs and just flip her ass upside down. Get your mouth all in her p*ssy grissle when she gets your dong to the back of her throat. It’s the sexy way to pleaseeach other. This position shouldn’t be done too long cause remember homegirl is upside down with a d*ck in her mouth. With the blood rushing to her head and an apparatus in her mouth that can cause a calamity if you’re not cautious.

These are just some of the sexy positions that can get you juicy. If you’ve never tried them, at least do it once. I’m sure once you get in there you won’t stop running water.

*Sigh* I think I’m slowly forgetting the joys of sex. I’m slowly forgetting that feeling when you’re about to burst when he takes you to that place. When those deep strokes makes your breathing become sporadic and your body tighten. *Clears throat* I miss those days. It’s a beautiful thing when you can get d*ck down by someone you’re sexually compatible with. Someone that can make you realize that great d*ck was made for this very moment. Then there are times when you just want this dude to hurry up and cum, because you got other shit to do with your day. Yea, I’m talking about these energizer bunny ni*ggas, that keep going and going. There is nothing wrong with all niters, but damn hurry up so I can take a break, a cat nap…something.

I’m like Bernie Mack; If I get mine, you better gets yours or you shit out of f*cking luck. If I cum, you better believe that round is over. I’m so tired nowadays I have no time to make sure you got all that shit out. Call me selfish if you wanna, but I know once his ass got all that white liquid out of his system, his ass ain’t thinking about giving me mine. Hell maybe I am selfish; I want mine if he gets his or not. I’m not saying I need a 5 min man…I need a man that can go for a hot min, but if I done had 3 and you still working on number 1 that ain’t my fault. I know some might say, well if he’s not cumming that’s your fault. Hell f*cking no it’s not. Men can hold that shit. I guess they hold it as long as they can so they can caress the p*ssy walls for as long as Little John Boy allows them. Hell I don’t know, but that has nothing to do with the woman the majority of the time. Like I said I don’t like dudes that are inconsiderate about the pressures of the p*ssy. Men don’t realize that after a while that shit starts to hurt. Not because of the size your d*ck you fool, it’s the continuous penetration. Some women can’t deal with that for long periods of time.

So how do we get them to get there when we get there? I think there are a few things you can do to make him release that mighty load. If all else fails suck or beat on his man meat. I know… I know you’re tired… but you got a choice. Either piss him off and go to sleep or let him continue abusing your womanly parts. B*tches get on your knees and do what you gots ta do. Now if you’re not into to sucking or pumping then…um hmmm *thinking really hard* Damn I don’t know what else to tell you. I think those are the best methods in this type of situation. Or you can be like me and not give a damn, and in the middle of the night when he’s rolled over on his side take my hand and get it up again. Chances are since he never got off the first time his ass is gonna roll over if he knew he had potential p*ssy. You gotta love a man with a weak d*ck!!!