So I might have said a few years ago in a previous blog that getting head ain’t that important to me. I officially retract that statement. I must have been on the longest contact high of my life. If a man doesn’t munch on the box then we don’t go together. I know some of you are probably saying to yourself ” If he can blow my back out the right way, that’s all I need.” Look here…if you don’t partake in the sweet nectar betwix my legs then you ghey. Well not really but maybe. Lol. I just think men need to please a woman completely and not just half ass. So golden rule #2 …Men should give head before they get the coochie.

It’s interesting how men expect to get their dome did, but wanna act like eating coochie is a sin. Really sir? You want to keep your woman happy right, well you better let your tounge do the work. Also for the dudes with the horrible ass dick game…please for the love of patron learn to eat properly. There ain’t nothing sadder than a dude who’s dick sucks, but thinks he’s adjusting wombs with that semi-functional penis. Give the damn girl something to enjoy. Your dick game ain’t shit, but your mouth game is amazing. Let her be happy about something in the relationship.

Ladies, if he says no to oral stimulation then cut his ass off from head also. Dude you can get head, but she’s starved from oral gratification? Dude kiss my ass with that bullshit. If you stopped sucking his ass off in protest I bet his ass will be singing another tune within a month.  Dick head drier than the mighty Sahara Desert. If he never ate a day in his life then he better get ta practicing.  Tell his ass to spread them legs, drop that chin and put them facial features all up and through that pussy.

Holla at me: Have you ever been with a man who refused to give oral?

I haven’t done a giveaway in months, but since Valentine’s Day is next week I might as well break ya’ll off. I’ve decided to give the couples a Valentine’s Day sex kit. If you’re in a relationship or got one of those f*ck buddies I hear so much about, then you better enter this giveaway. It’s easy as pie to enter, but first let me tell you what your getting in the sex kit.

Expert Edition Position of the Day Book~ “Sex Every Day In Every Way” This is a fun book that illustrates positions that you can do with your partner. It gives you the degree of difficulty for each position and a sex-tion *yes I said sex-tion* to enter cliff notes.

Are you a chocolate lover? Then you’ll love the KamaSutra Chocolate Dreams treat kit. Here’s what’s in the KamaSutra Kit.

1. Chocolate Creme Brulee Body Souffle

2. Chocolate Mint Oil of Love

3. Chocolate Caress Honey Dust with feather application

The Best Wet Secret for couples. So you wanna give head…great. Here’s a tip… you need to make your mouth juicy. The Sixty Nine Wet Head will turn your entire mouth into a waterfall while you go up or down or in and out on your partner. You know my motto “The wetter the better.” You get 24 strips on lemon goodness and all you have to do is put it on your tongue and let that bitch dissolve. Change your sheets, hop in the 69 position and pay attention to the slurps. Great for both men and women.

So now that you’ve looked at the prizes I bet you’re wondering how to enter. It’s easy…all you have to do is enter using the form below. You must fulfill a minimum of 3 of the requirements mentioned in order to qualify. The winner will be announced on 2/10/12. You will have 24 hours to claim your prize or it will go to another entrant. *Note* This prize may not make it on or before 2/14/12 Valentine’s Day.*

*The contest is only open to residents of the continental United States.*

a Rafflecopter giveaway

All items were purchased by me and not sponsored by any of the companies that hold rights to the products.

So fellas, I got another homework assignment for ya’ll. This is only for the men that eat that cooch. Hell, there are some of you out there lying like a bear skin rug talking about you don’t get betwix those legs and slurp up all the  cooch juice.  I wanna introduce you to the Venus Butterfly Technique. You’re probably wondering what in the hell is this technique and how do Iknow about it. *Ashley Banks voice* “Mind yo bidness that’s all, just mind yo bidness” lmao….I slay myself sometimes. The technique was actually a fictional one that was worked into an old L.A Law episode, but somehow the  white folks done made it real. Venus Butterfly Technique consists of stimulation of the clit with the tongue. You might be saying “Yo V.I., I do that shit on a regular basis”. Yea I know *side eye* but you never done it like this son. Sit down, relax and let me school you on clit 101.

Some of ya’ll treat the clit like a damn chew toy. Going down there and putting your teeth all on it, just doesn’t fly. The clit is a very sensory piece of equipment. You do something to make it feel uncomfortable and you can kiss sex good bye. The clit is the surest way to give a woman multiple orgasms. Shit, you don’t even have to eat the cooch to get that response. You can use your finger and make her um soul glow. Now I must warn you the Venus Butterfly Technique actually creates hour long orgasms, if you do it right. This technique also involves the G-Spot so you need to actually find it. It’s usually two inches inside of the vagina. If you have no clue where the G-Spot is, you can also work with the rectum…well if you like that sorta thing. You can put your finger up there and put your mouth on the clit. So stroke the clit with your tongue *lick, lick, lick* then do a long stroke down the perineum. The perineum is right between the vulva and the anus. This usually prevents her from cumming too fast. Now for the climax.

When she starts to get really aroused…I mean REALLY aroused you start tapping on her G-Spot with your finger while you’re still stimulating the clit with your tongue until she cums. When she’s cumming don’t you dare move, keep on giving that clit the tongue action. The main thing with this is to again know your woman’s body. The majority of the time if you just don’t know what the hell you’re doing the woman will tell you what you need to do. Surprise her and take control of the situation. On the other hand if you don’t feel like doing all that work in learning her body and what not make things easier and just buy the We-Vibe2. It does the exact same thing and you can enjoy the simulation as well.  Get yo nut on son *Harlem Shakes out of the room*

I think some of the most awkward positions make for the best orgasms. I don’t know if it’s just me but the missionary position rarely does anything for me. I’m not saying that sometimes when that d*ck hits the wall I don’t wince from excitement. I’m saying that I can guarantee that laying flat on my back with homie pumping for greatness isn’t gonna make shit happen. I need something different, something complex, well something more me. I think all couples should dare to be different. Doing the same old things in the bedroom can cause the relationship to dwindle. I for damn sure don’t wanna be with a man that thinks being on top and giving 4 good pumps is gonna move my soul. You do some shit like that and I would properly hurt your feelings and break out the toy that will put your dry ass d*ck to shame. I’ve decided to list some of the best positions that can make you cream, buck, and shiver with excitement.  FYI…I’m making up some names here so please excuse my terms.

1. D*ck Riding~ This is an oldie but a goodie. Women need to get their riding game up in 2010. I know some women can get intimidated by this act, but feeling that d*ck standing straight up in your coochie can definitely make you moisten. If you feel embarrassed about riding d*ck turn your ass around. Let his ass see your back while you plop and rock back and forth on his wooden instrument. I always liked the lean forward. If you’re facing his feet move your body forward and hold on to his legs. By holding on you have a way to keep slightly balanced and the d*ck can easily hit your tender walls.

2. The Stand and Bend~ This is actually one of my favorite position. Ladies, stand and spread your legs as far as you can get them and be comfortable. Next, you’re gonna be and touch the ground. Fellas, all you have to do is get up in her. If you can keep your balance good for you. He’s gonna be thrusting so if you place your hands to the floor that should help you with balance. Basically this is nothing but doggy style, but you’re standing up.

3. Missionary Mambo~ If you just can’t get away from the missionary position here is a exciting way to jazz it up. Once he’s on top wrap your legs around his neck and thrust your pelvis into his d*ck. Damn I wish I had a visual example on what I’m talking about. When you do this your ass can be lifted off of the bed, so your back on up is still supported. The majority of these position teaches you balance. So you’re killing two birds with one stone in my opinion.

4. Stand and Carry~ Now you gotta be a strong somebody to f*ck with this position. I find you can’t do it that long because of the weight involved. Plus everything starts to get weak when you hit that spot. I view this position as a new form of riding d*ck. I don’t think I need to explain how this goes, it’s pretty self explanatory.

5. Upside down 69~ Now this is sort of a warm up exercise. Fellas pick her up from her legs and just flip her ass upside down. Get your mouth all in her p*ssy gristle when she gets your dong to the back of her throat. It’s the sexy way to please each other. This position shouldn’t be done too long cause remember homegirl is upside down with a d*ck in her mouth. With the blood rushing to her head and an apparatus in her mouth that can cause a calamity if you’re not cautious.

These are just some of the sexy positions that can get you juicy. If you’ve never tried them, at least do it once. I’m sure once you get in there you won’t stop running water.

Men kill me when their trying to get their fruit waxed. “Aww baby you don’t have to suck it, but just give it a little kiss”. Bwahahahahahahaha! Negro please, don’t you know if a woman wanted to suck on the lolli you wouldn’t have to ask her. This is 2010, women go for what they want and regret nothing. This isn’t high school where you have to bribe a chick into giving you brain…grow the f*ck up son.

Men, if you do end up with a woman that plays along with your little game and then regrets the dick suck; you need to fire her quick fast and in a hurry. There is no need to have a chick in the role of a lifetime, if her audition sucked..lol no pun intended. I’m not saying you have to get a professional sucker of dick, but you need to pick out the superstar in your cast of thousands. Someone who understands her job, and practices and practices until she out-shines your expectations. Or you can get a professional, but then you have to deal with egos and shit and then she’s telling you what she won’t do and when she won’t do it. Who needs the hassle anyway?

All I’m saying is, pick the real women from the fake broads. A real woman who is secure with herself and her abilities, and has no problem taking the dick to the head. An unsure chick would debate in her mind over and over, then if she actually does it she acts like the shit got Sars on it. The poor dear will be afraid to grip it, she’ll hold it with her index and thumb fingers and look at it like Michigan J. Frog is gonna jump out and sing “Hello My Baby”. Come on now…..

Holla at me: Ladies, when you’re giving oral for the first time do you try to do the best job you can? Fellas if she is doing the best job she can, do you notice?

Hi V.I.,

I need you to help me figure this one out. So I’ve been single for a while and I haven’t allowed anyone in my circle. There is this guy that I’ve been friends with for a few years and he has always had an interest in me. I wasn’t feeling him like that, but recently he approached me about being sex buddies. I was a little reluctant because we were just friends and like I said I wasn’t feeling him on that level.

So about three weeks ago I gave in and decided to go with the flow. I was so surprised to find out homeboy was working with a WHOOPER. The sex was amazing…I never had sex that much sex over a three week period. So getting to the real reason I’m writing you. A few days ago he came over and we were about to do the do. I had a slight headache, but I wasn’t too alarmed by it. So he got between my legs and starting performing the glorious pleasure of oral sex. The shit was feeling so good until…I heard him scream. I opened my eyes and saw blood all over his mouth. I HAD MY PERIOD WHILE HE WAS EATING ME OUT.

He ran into the bathroom and stayed in there for 30 mins throwing up and brushing his teeth. I felt so bad and I was so shocked because I just had my period a week prior. I think it the fact that I changed my birth control recently and that caused some spotting. He finally came out of the bathroom with a look of horror on his face. I apologized and tried to lighten the mood, but I guess it was too soon. He really didn’t say much when he left my house. I’ve been calling him and texting him but he hasn’t responded. I’m just trying to find out what you think I should do?

Please Help,

My Kitty Failed Me

Dear MKFM,

*Clears throat* Can I do one thing before I get into my response? 1.2.3…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! LMAO!!! HA! OMG I have never ever ever in my life ever heard no shit like this. Wow. I think you’ve traumatized the poor lad. Wow this is so damn sad, yet so f*cking funny. Lmao!!!! Ok ok I’m sorry *giggles* I am a professional and I will act as such.

Ok, again I am so sorry that this happened. I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now. At the end of the day how were you to know that your coochie was gonna turn all red on you. Like you said you had your cycle a week prior, so it’s not your fault. Mother nature happens to be a cruel bitch at times, so don’t beat yourself up about this.

I think you need to give him time and let him reach out to you. You’ve already contacting him, so he knows how sorry you are about the situation. He just needs time to get over it because not only is it traumatizing, that shit is embarrassing. Imagine your gliding your lips on a ding dong and the next thing you know you got pee in your mouth. I am assuming that’s the equivalent in a situation like this. If he does come around and ya’ll start having sex again, I want you to be aware…this man might never perform oral on you ever again. How can you really blame him? He’s thinking he got you all wet and shit, but you’re the one that’s gotten him all wet. Give him time and don’t push yourself on him. If he doesn’t come around, it was good while it lasted. I don’t see this completely wrecking your friendship with him, but your sex life might be back to what it was 4 weeks ago…Null and Void. I just hope not though!!!

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!

I write about oral sex all the time, and I make jokes and what not, but this is a serious post. *Straight face* Oral sex is a serious matter. It actually can make or break a relationship. It’s sad to say but if you refuse to suck some dick and the occasional ball then your ass is gonna get a rude awakening. Men do not tolerate a chick that can’t deliver oral stimulation. I’m not saying he’s gonna stop f*cking with you. Just know that if you’re not doing it, another chick is probably pleasing your man.

Like I said before, a man isn’t gonna stop plugging you but he is gonna have another chick on the side. Men feel like if their not getting fully catered to, then they have the right to go out and get what they want. While this might break your self-esteem, just know you brought it on yourself. Ladies, you don’t have to give head to please him though. It should be something you do for you. For instance sucking dick gives me power. Now you know I don’t suck on just anybody, but when I do I make it seem like this is the last piece of dick suck I will ever have in my life. That is when you get to show your real talent. Sure you can ride the hell out of him, but if you can’t use your other body parts your only good for one thing.

Giving head should be like a momentous experience for you. Spread his legs, so you can position yourself right in front of his dick. You can start off by licking the head, and then lick all the way down to the shaft to his balls placing each one in my mouth. Then after giving them both equal attention take that thing to the head. Some women can’t deep throat, but honey you gotta learn. Even if you gag it’s ok, that makes a better effect. While you have the whole thing in your mouth, take your tongue and lick the base at the same time. You can also massage it with your lips. *Which set of lips is your choice* Just make sure you make it wet and juicy, because let’s face it wetness enhances it. Depending on the guy and the way his manhood feels you can go about this for a long period of time.If you’re uncomfortable performing oral sex, I totally understand. It’s not everyone cup on tea, but just know that the line “I’m not that kind of girl” is gonna have him staying at home.

Men love to have it all, and if the woman decides that certain physical activity isn’t her thing, and then he is gonna seek it elsewhere. Men have this way about them when it comes to sex. They gotta have it their way. Whatever you do should be for your enjoyment. Don’t suck a man if you know deep down you don’t like it, just be prepared for another chick to do the job.

Here I am with another installment of the Candy Licker. This time I got the ladies on deck. Ladies, there is nothing wrong with giving the kat the attention it truly deserves? A woman loves to be given special attention from her man. If a man can orally satisfy, then sticks his rock of gibraltar in her, and wear her ass out boo is defiantly the hawtness.

The thing that I noticed is some men are never in denial when it comes to nibbling on the blackberry. They’re proud to announce “I eats the coochie“, but ladies you need to make the coochie eating experience a great one. Please oh please do the necessary procedures to ensure he doesn’t die of coochie heat. You know what I am talking about, where it looks like you’re growing a chea pet down there. A man needs to see that it is visually appealing, because men go off of sight. Also, if you know you’re battling an infection of yeast please don’t allow him to get surprised. He will forever think you constantly smell like trout. Get it together.

If you’re not into oral stimulation, hey that’s cool that isn’t everyone’s thing. If you are, you must take care of yourself. That goes both ways…men I’m talking to you too. A woman doesn’t want to get in a 69 position and find out your dingle berries stink to high heaven. Wash under them balls.

*I know I don’t got shit to do, lol*

Holla at me: Are you into oral stimulation or you can live without it?

Not every man has the knowledge of satisfying a woman orally. Some just go down there and eat that shit like they’re in a hot dog eating contest, while others devour that coochie like a fat kid with an ice cream cone. I’m not sure if eating the cooch puts too much pressure on a man that he goes in there like he’s retarded, or he’s just inexperienced in the art of making her cum with his tongue. *My Infomercial Voice*Here are some rules and techniques that can help you *pointing finger* become a better lady coochie eater.

Oral sex is better when wet by other means. Sure she can get wet from it, but would you rather do something that can get her wet and throbbing first then go in for the kill? I have some rules when you actually get down there. First rule in coochie munching; never bite a clit. *Warning: If you bite her clit, she will knock you the f*ck out. Don’t say I didn’t warn you* A woman’s happy button is a very sensitive instrument; you can’t go in there like you’re jaws and crunch and munch it. Nibble on the grissle, suck on the clit flesh just don’t bite it. You have to tease and taunt her with your mighty tongue. Take your tongue and massage the labia *that’s the p*ssy lips to you non-educated men out there* work your way around all the crevices. That way you can make her extra excited with your wetness, and that would create the perfect situation to do your job more effectively.

Another rule I have when giving her oral stimulation: Never hit it and quit it. This isn’t a marathon son; you can’t just give her two shakes and ready to stick your d*ck in there. You know you get mad when she tries that shit with you, so why do it to her? Work that tongue like it’s your man meat and tongue smash her. I know it’s a smaller instrument to work with *well some of you might feel right at home*, but you have to know how to do other things than just lick on the top. Go in and out, move it from side to side; do something that can make her scream your name or her man’s name or whoever. Flip her over and eat it from the back. Ladies, get that man in the Ear Muff position; that’s when you’re both laying on your sides and he gets between those thighs and you grip his head with them. Not only is that shit fun, but you can apply as much pressure to his head to make him continue until you’re done.

My last and final rule to carpet munching: Don’t be afraid to get glazed with her juicy goodness. Don’t be afraid of cum…cum is your friend. Hell cum is your reward for a job well done. When she’s spent from all the tongue lashing, you can enter her with your mighty peen and make her double back on herself. I’m sure you will take heed to the information I have bestowed on you. *Slapping ass* Now go off in the world and be somebody.