I remember as a little girl hearing “Always marry someone that loves you more than you love them.” I wondered why would I do something like that? It didn’t seem fair to me or him. I thought love should be equal, but as I got older I realized there is no such thing as equal love. Sure you can both love each other greatly, but one’s love always outweighs the other. The idea to marry someone that loves you more than you love them basically means they would treat you like a queen and never do anything to hurt you. That sounds wonderful at the end of fairy tales and shit, but in real life shit happens. Marrying someone who loves you more  than you love them sounds fool proof, but you would have to be a fool to think something like that won’t bite you in the ass in the long run.

When it comes to love, I love hard. I’m an Aries woman. Sure I make it damn near impossible for you in the beginning, but the second I let some of those bricks out of the wall I have up I can easily fall in love. It has always been a gift and a curse for me. A gift because by the time I let you in I already know that my feelings are real and not just some spontaneous feeling. A curse because once I open up and let you know I leave myself open for anything. I once fell in love with someone and I fell hard. He loved me and I loved him. The issue was, after we confessed our love and all that pretty shit I was unsure of how much I really loved him. Sure he had my heart, but I wasn’t sure of in what capacity. There were things about him I just loved. We had fun together, we could talk about anything for hours. He was  wonderful, but when it came to other things I wasn’t interested. For instance if he cheated, a part of me wouldn’t really care. Ok, I would care but it wasn’t like “OMG he cheated I want to die. I hate him” type of thing. Let’s put it this way, my reaction would have been for his benefit and his benefit only. A woman can fake more than just orgasms boo. The love was there, but when it ended I realized that maybe it wasn’t as there as I thought. He truly loved me more, but I wasn’t satisfied with my lack of love. I just couldn’t be the woman that he needed and he wasn’t the man that I wanted.

I always express how love is a 50/50 shot; with love comes pain. When you’ve convinced yourself to settle for someone who loves you more just because you want to be in a relationship you’re not being fair to the other person or to yourself. Love isn’t equal, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your happiness for the idea of love. I remember one of my friends getting married a few years ago to this guy that just wasn’t her type. I know sometimes your type is always the right type, but this dude had nothing appealing to him physically. Yes, he was a very nice guy but her ass was vain as hell so dating a dude that looked like a less attractive Craig Mack just wasn’t something I thought she would do. She started dating him and the next thing I know they got engaged and went ahead and got married. One day out of the blue she said to me “I love him because of how much he loves me. I never had that before.” I asked was she really “in love” with him and she said no but she won’t leave him because he loves her too much for her to leave. Being in a relationship where you’re the only one not in love is like being trapped in prison. You want to get out, but have no way of doing so without killing someone in order to escape. Good luck with that tho…

Question: Have you ever settled in a relationship because your partner loved you more?

Ladies, have you ever dealt with a man that was just not “emotionally” available? No matter how hard you tried to get close to him he seems to have you at arms length? You can’t understand why he’s so distant when clearly there is something about you he’s feeling. Well this isn’t at all uncommon. The same way how you keep certain men at a distance, there are men out there going through the same thing…a broken heart. Some men are so traumatized by getting their heart broken they refuse to let anyone in all the way. The sad part is these are the men you’re feeling the most, but they won’t let you  bypass the gates. You like each other  and want to continue with the relationship, but how do you deal with a heart you clearly didn’t break?

There are so many misconceptions when it comes to men. Most women think all men are dogs and all they do is play games. I never believed that was true, but I do believe that some that are dogish use that as a defense mechanism. Their afraid of being hurt or getting played by another woman, so they dog the ones they got. The thing about men and women is that women are emotional beings…men aren’t that way. The second they feel any ounce of hurt the completely shut down, leaving the good bitch in a dangerous spot because she’s now up for getting her heart broken. A man isn’t gonna let a woman in even if she seems like the right one. They will continue to push her to the limit until she can’t take it anymore and move on about her business. That is the risk you have to take dealing with a broken hearted man. The old bitch made your role impossible to deal with, so now your stuck.

I remember dating a man that was a nice guy, but was clearly scarred by a relationship in his past. He liked me, but he never let me get too close. It was like he was fighting with two sides. He wanted that deepness with me, but at the same time didn’t trust me for shit. I understand that happens, because it happens with women also. I stuck around because I wanted him to see not all women out here are just out to play a dude. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t break the skin. He was hardcore to the surface and no matter what I did I was not getting there. I couldn’t take his emotional unavailability anymore. There was no point to it. I was dealing with a man that could not get over his past. I wished him well and went along my merry way. Years later I saw him and we had a conversation and he admitted that he wished he was better to me back then. I was clearly a good person…not woman but person to him and he took it for granted, because he couldn’t deal with letting someone in again. I accepted his apology because sometimes it takes time for you to realize shit and I’m glad that he realized just how emotionally stunted he was back then.

Fellas, I know sometimes breakups are hard to deal with but taking it out on the next woman is a no no. This goes to men and women who have allowed a no good motherfucker to dictate their lives…IF THAT PERSON WASN’T WORTH IT WHY ARE YOU STILL MAKING THEM RELEVANT? You’re allowing someone who didn’t value who you are to run your life years after they left it? Chile stop. People come and people go, but you gotta control that situation. A broken-heart can happen when you open your heart. I need people to realize with love comes pain. This love thing is a gamble. Sometimes you come out on top and sometimes you fold. The shit is a 50/50 chance thing. You can’t let another motherfucker shut you off from the joys of love. If you’re still dealing with it and afraid to let anyone close to you right now, stop pursuing these people. A breakup is a death. Yes, you have your time to grieve but then you gotta rejoin the living. The greatest part of this life we live is we have the ability to love. That shit shouldn’t be taken for granted. So if you’re dealing with someone who clearly hasn’t gotten over the breakup they had in 1992 then you might need to cut your loses and move on. There is nothing about you that can change that person’s thoughts about love. They have to be adult enough to realize that not all men/women are the same and love has two sides. Until you’re ready to accept the possibility of love, you need to move on from your past hurt. That’s the only someone real can enter your life.

I know ya’ll wondering where the hell I’ve been.  I ain’t dead yet…I just had some shit to tend to in real-life. So I haven’t been writing like I normally do. You would see a new post from me everyday, then nothing. Well I guess you can say I temporarily lost my thirst for blogging. Writing is my passion, but there was no inspiration for me to write about anything. I guess I’m an emotional writer. If things aren’t aligned for me I can’t express shit. Over the past month I’ve transitioned in my personal life. That’s another reason I haven’t been blogging for the masses. I just needed to take a break and focus on other things. Sometimes when you’re passionate about something it can consume your life. Candy Diaries became my life where I didn’t feel I had anything else to write about.

Sometimes in life you get bored with your situations. I was bored with my job. Like it was the same shit over and over again. There was no room for growth or advancement in my current position. My supervisor called me one evening and told me about another position that he thought would be right for me. I didn’t want to apply for different reasons, but the major was because I was afraid of change. I was too comfortable in where I was, but knew that it was a dead end. Any who, I have a new job learning something completly different. I am excited about what I’m learning so I’m good. I haven’t been able to write because I’ve been tired as fluck. Going into the office for training everyday is tiring me out tho, but in a good way. I’m also dating someone so we’ll see how this goes. He’s a nice dude so maybe he can stay around. More updates to come.

So I’m back and trying to continue blogging. Continue to send in your “Ask V.I.” emails. If there are any topics you want me to tackle feel free to contact me. Let’s get back to the real in relationships.

Ladies, you meet a guy and it seems that you two are feeling the hell out of each other. You go out on a few dates, you talk on the phone for hours even meet a friend or two.  Then the next thing you know he ends the relationship. You’re left standing there wondering what the hell happened. Men are some of the most unpredictable people I’ve ever met. You could have everything going on between the both of you, but once reality sets in it’s all over. You’re now having a  WTF just happened moment. Here are a few played ass reasons a dude might dump a woman he actually likes.

Awwwwww isn’t new found love grand? You cuddle every chance you get, have those long never ending conversations on the phone at night and you have sex more than you eat. New beginnings are amazing!! Even though we get all open and happy there are still a few things a woman will not do in front of her man. She actually doesn’t want him to head for the hills if she introduces her true self to him. I remember an episode of A Different World right after Whitley and Dwayne got married. Whit woke up 5 mins before Dwayne every morning and washed her face, combed her hair and brushed her teeth. Then she would run back into the back just before the alarm rang and pretended to be asleep. Whitley did this so when he woke up every morning and looked at her he saw how beautiful she was when she slept. There are just some things that women don’t want their men to see or even know they do. Here are a list of the top 6 things women try not do in new relationships.

1. Use the bathroom~ Yea I said take a shit, because let’s face it people. Women shit too. Now I may be a little raw by saying take a shit, but you know I don’t do the whole sugar coating. Women will not under no circumstances use the bathroom in front of their men. Hell I know women that live with their men and still act like they never heard of dumping a load. Do you know when they take that shit they been holding in all day? When you go off to work. That’s when she can let all that mess out because she been backed up for days.

2. Break wind~ You and your boo is watching a movie on the couch and you feel a small bubble in the stomach. You feel it traveling and making it’s way toy your butt. You know farts are unpredictable, so you don’t know what to do. You’re afraid it will come out loud, so you ease it out. You just pray the shit doesn’t stink up the room. You let a little out and hold the rest in..then you let a little more out. You’re now scared and uncomfortable because you can now smell it and you hope to GOD he isn’t smelling it either. You’re afraid to get up because if you do the smell will be more pronounced. You try to dig your butt in his couch some more so the smell can drift off between the cushions. Little do you know he smelt that shit and has been holding his breath the whole time.

3.  Brush Your Teeth~ Some women view anything in the bathroom as private and will not brush their teeth in front of their guy. I guess it’s the fact that the toothpaste is all over the place and you have to spit it out. You know guys don’t like when women spit anything out.

4. Get Familiar with yourself~ Some women WILL NOT masturbate in front of their guys. Now I find this to be straight bullshit because a lot of men would love to witness their woman getting freaky with herself.  There are just some women out there that get a little embarrassed when it comes to self pleasure. I say let his ass watch…hell if he wants to masturbate while I watch I have no problems with that. I like to see you man handle yourself. LOL

5. Take off their makeup~ There are a lot of women that are so afraid to take off all that shit they got on their faces, because they know without it they look like Mike Tyson on day 3 of his period. Women will go to sleep with their makeup on and wake up the next morning with their face imprinted on the pillow case.

6. Eat Messy~ Women refrain from eating certain foods when they’re with their men. Ribs are a no no. There is no way in hell someone can eat that shit looking cute. Anything that makes you look ugly when you chew is not on the list. That’s why you see women eating a lot of salads and shit. That’s the safe food. Her ass ain’t on no diet. That bitch is hungry and trying to be as cute as possible while her stomach is growling for a slab of bbq ribs.

It’s all about do you feel comfortable enough in the beginning…and the answer is no. In new relationships or new anything the comfort level is still low. Sure you love being around the person, but you’re not ready to show your true selves because you think it might scare him away. Ladies, if you can’t be ugly and blow fart bubbles out your ass in front your man who can you do it with?

People say there are no good men out here. That all the good one’s are already taken or loving up on some dude’s charlie . I say that is a bunch of poppycock. Yes I said poppycock. There are still some good men out here; some need to be dusted off and groomed a little but hey it’s still a good man. When it comes to relationships women have a list of what they want. They have at least 30 things on there basically describing the perfect man. Ladies, there is no such thing as a perfect man. That dude don’t exist, so please stop looking for him. If you can’t love someone for who they are, then you need to be alone.

When a woman has a vision of what she wants in a mind, she sticks with that vision. She follows her list to a tee and if she finds someone that does not meet that list, she automatically kicks him to the curb. These women are typically hard to please and they want what they want. I got news for you sista girl, with the shortage of men out here your ass better learn to work with what you have. I never promote changing a man, but I’m beginning to notice a lot of women are finding fixer uppers. I guess to them men are like houses, true it might look shabby as shit on the outside but with a little love, new clothes and a gym membership you can have the greatest guy on the block. I guess these guys can be the great ones, but are you actually showing him that who he really is isn’t worth shit in your eyes?

There is nothing wrong with taking the time out and helping the person you’re dating, but after you’ve cleaned them up and made them look good enough to eat sometimes you may run into a few issues. Ladies I need ya’ll to listen to me very closely when I run down what can happen when you decide to be captain save-a-geek.

1.He becomes a project rather than your man~ Your relationship starts to resemble some kind of around the house activity you decided to start on a rainy Saturday morning. Your doing all the work and he’s reaping all the benefits. It becomes a situation where you feel like he owes you his life for saving him from himself. If he gets all jazzy looking and decides to go his merry way, you will become bitter as hell. You were the one to put time and effort into his ass, then once he got all fine and shit he leaves you high and dry for a bitch that ain’t put in the work.

2. If he doesn’t change can you live with it? ~ I always ask this question on the blog. If a man doesn’t “change” to what you think he should be, would you still give the relationship a try?  Change is inevitable, but it has to come from the person that needs to change. You can’t just run up in a relationship and expect A through Z and get mad when the shit doesn’t happen. Always think of the long run in the back of your mind. Are you still willing to stick it out with a fixer upper even if the results you were looking for aren’t achieved.

3. You will be his momma rather than his woman~  A man does not want a woman to take on the role as his mother. If you dictate everything that he does he will resent you and basically become dependent on you in the long run. Take the relationship of Courtney Cox and David Arquette; Courtney got herself a fixer upper. She found a man that was basically a mess and tried turning him into a husband. The issue was, she tried to change him or thought he would eventually change and when he didn’t she filed for separation. Courtney basically told him he can go out and do whatever he wants, because she was just tired of having a grown ass man as a son. When you decide to pick up someone and “try” to fix em up, you run the risk looking like a fool for doing it.

I am not trying to deter anyone from finding someone that needs work done on them, but remember the drawbacks. If your not able to accept someone for who they are and what they are, then you don’t need to be in a relationship with that person. No one is perfect and we all have our faults. I don’t think there is such a thing as settling for less, but there is a thing as expecting too much. You can’t expect someone to be that perfect person for you when your ass ain’t shit on a regular basis. Hell then you have to wonder why do you always have to fix someone into what you want them to be? Do I smell *sniff sniff* low self-esteem? Just saying!

Holla at me: Have you ever gotten a fixer upper? If so, how did that work out for you? *side eye*

*Snapping Fingers* Welcome to the Diary of A Mad Guest Blogger. This is a segment where we feature the bloggers that got thangs to say. I want you to give a special hand to The Mystery Lady.

I had an epiphany the other day. Good dick and relationships DON’T mix.

Yes you read correct and as a matter of fact let me clarify:

Good dick CANNOT be in a successful relationship.

Let me tell you why.

1. Good Dick Has Too Many Choices To Be In a Successful Monogamous Relationships

A good dick report spreads faster than Kat Stacks legs at Rock the Bells.  Once you give one girl the d and its mindblowing she’s gonna tell her homegirl, she’s gonna tell the whole world.  And best believe good dick is so hard to come by that women will practically throw men the pussy. It’s only going to be but so long one man can fight off thrown pussy before he succumbs.

2. Good Dick Makes It Okay For Men To Cheat…yes I said it…

Men with good dick know that they can act up.  The good dick man is more likely than not going to say something out of pocket, do something to piss you off, or cheat and be sloppy with it.  The catch is that you will miss the good dick and an “I’m sorry” and a DMX in Belly style dick down will make you forget whatever it is that made you mad in the first place.  Why?

Because GOOD DICK CAUSES BAD DECISION MAKING.  (Please refer to my previous post on all the types of bad decisions good dick will cause you to make.)

3. Good Dick Can Only Settle Down Once It Tires Out

I  have several male friends that had stellar dick reports that are now married. Until they fucked every girl under the sun and just got too old for cirque de sole style sex in the car, wore out from froggy style in the kitchen, and back shots in the shower…they weren’t ready to really settle down.  Seriously. I know this for a scientific fact.  We all know that guy who after a running through every chick in the city suddenly decided to get married. Why?

Because GOOD DICK KNOWS WHEN ITS RUN IS COMING TO AN END.

So rather than leave the game  with a BDR they would rather gracefully bow out.  I’m not saying they aren’t capable of having a great performance every once in a while on special occasion but best believe if you marry that guy who had the great dick report in college best believe it won’t be as good as it was back in the day. I’m just sayin..

Ladies, I know this may be hard to cope with but I’m just trying to save you shawty.

Men, am I lying?

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the people who got someone in their lives. Ya’ll ain’t the popular folks today. You got chicks walking around the office hating that bitch cause she got flowers from her boo. Yea you ain’t bout shit today hun. This goes out to all my ladies that say “F*ck You Valentine’s Day” mainly cause ya’ll ain’t got nobody. No cards, no calls, no dinners and no dicks. Yea even though this is just one day, it can be the most miserable day to be a single person. It’s like couples love to rub that shit in your faces. Like “OMG look what Kevin bought me. What did….oh my bad girl. You ok? I know next year you will have a man for Valentine’s Day.” Bitch hush the hell up. Don’t let that heffa bring you down just cause you ain’t got someone to love. Yea she bragging about what that dude gave her and his ass probably bought 2 of the same things to give to his other bitches. Yo that shit happened to me back in the day, but I digress. Ladies if your single and not loving it today, here are some things you can do for Valentine’s Day so you don’t slit your wrists.

1. Get ya girls and go~I know you might be in a depressive stupor but being at the crib listening to Mary J. Blige  and sobbing like you cat just died ain’t gonna help. Call up your single girlfriends cause chances are they’re probably feeling the same way. Go out to dinner, or even take in a movie. Be each other’s dates for the evening. That way you won’t be alone and your with your girls so you can talk about what the ugly ass couples passing by. You can also find a Anti-Valentine’s Day Party. Shit you might even meet someone.

2. Treat Yourself ~ Girl take your ass out to do something special. Get a massage, get your nails done or even go shopping. Do something for you cause at the end of the day Valentine’s Day is about love and who loves you better than you? Don’t sit at home sulking. Do you boo.

3. Pack ur shit and hit the road~ Listen here nothings wrong with taking a trip for Valentine’s Day. Get in your car or if you got the hookup with an airline hop one a plane for a day trip or however long you wanna be out. Visit those you haven’t seen in a min. Get out of your depressing ass city. I find that when you visit someplace else other people’s love don’t bother you as much.

4. Go On About Your Day~Listen if Valentine’s Day is just another day to you by all means go on with your normal routine. You don’t give two solid f*cks about this shit then boo boo do you. The day will come and the day will go. No need to make such a big deal about it.

5. Go F*ck~ Ok, so you’re not concerned about the flowers and candy all you want is some dick. Well call up your little side piece and get it on. You gotta be smart about it though. If you’re calling him to make yourself believe you’ve got a date for Valentine’s Day, then you don’t need to screw. Call his ass after 10pm. That way you both know what it is. If you call that man before 10pm say at 7pm he’s probably thinking you’re trying to locate a last minute date and chances are he won’t answer the phone. When he does come over wear his ass out then kick him out when you’re finished. Your main goal is to get dick not something snoring in your ear at 6am cause he decided to sleep over.

These are just a few of my tips for those who will be struggling today. At the end of the day Valentine’s Day is just a day like any other. Don’t let the day and fear of being alone consume you. There are so many things you can do to occupy your time. Chill on that shit. If you gotta turn your phone off, do whatever you have to in order to get a piece of mind. Just masturbate something  just check yourself.

Holla at me: Does Valentine’s Day depress you?

Good dick can have a chick  gone. No matter how much she tells herself it’s just for fun, every deep stroke he gives makes her think “what if.” Not all women can have sex without catching feelings. When a woman gives herself sexually, she ends up giving herself emotionally. Sex can be very emotional no matter how the relationship started out. The second you gave him the mingee you got dick hooked. Then you start acting crazy. Yes, you start treating the “just sex” relationship like something else…a RELATIONSHIP. You get jealous if you see him with someone else. If you call and he doesn’t answer the phone you get mad. If he comes over, hits it from the back real good your ass wants to cuddle and talk afterwards. Chile, you’re all the way never right when you create this relationship in your head. You have taken a situation that was suppose to be so simple and turned it into something else. You have become too emotionally invested in a just sex relationship. The question is, is it ok to be emotional if you’re giving your other parts?

I’ve not been involved in a “Just sex” relationship in a long time, but back in the day I left feelings out of the equation. I was able to separate sex from emotions. I knew this was just something we were doing and that’s that. Now I’ve had situations where the men got too emotionally attached to me and I had to cut it short. See I believe that a sex relationship should be void of any sort of relationship aspects. Sure you’re giving each other very much needed business, but at the end of the day you have no claim to each other. That way once one of you meet someone that you’re interested in, the other won’t get mad and shit cause the sex sessions are over. This is the proper way to perform a sex relationship.

Now feeling how I’m feeling nowadays a sex session would lead to all kinds of wrong. I can admit it, over the last 2-3 years I’ve gotten *hmmmmm* I’ve gotten a little softer. I don’t know if this is age or what, but I feel like a punk. Ok punk is a strong word, but I’ve gotten more in-tuned with my  feminine side. Before I thought like a man, hell even held my imaginary dick when I wanted to show how tough I was to someone. Lol. Now, all that shit went out the window. I would never get involved in a just sex relationship now because I know my emotions would be all up and thru that bitch. It’s like when you’re seeking more in life a once in a while relationship turns into “omg I think I’m in love” relationship, when it’s clearly not the case. You’ve developed this thing in your mind where you think, it’s meant to be knowing good and damn well it’s just sex. You think “well maybe deep down he feels the same but just doesn’t want to show it” when he’s actually looking at you as a f*ck friend. You’ve gotten too emotional. This is why I cut that sex buddy shit out years ago because I know my focused has shifted. I rather a dick that comes home to me every night and wakes up with me every morning. I don’t need no dick that stays, f*cks me for a few hours, takes a  nap then wakes up before the sun comes up to go home. No ma’am I ain’t about that life.

So ladies before you make an agreement with Rakim to beat it like a cop, think before you stroke. If you know that dick is too good and your liable to fall in love, don’t do it. Back in the day if I tried it once and the dick was just heaven on a stick, I didn’t go back. I refuse to allow a dude’s dick to dictate my emotions. No more puss for you sir. You got that hook em dick.