Me and guy has been broken up for several months now, I’ll say about 7months. We were high school sweethearts, we even did the long distance thing when I went off to college. When I say we’ve been through so much together, like seriously. But unfortunately, we had hella issues that just ruined our relationships. Mainly insecurities, infidelity, and psycho exs. Anyway, when we first broke up he’ll randomly contact me with the “I love you, You’re the one I need” all that bulls$&@! during that time I pretty much had a F@$! You mentality towards him. So I wasn’t trying to hear that, and honestly was trying to move on and find someone better. Over the months, I’ve gained closure. I’ve also learned to forgive him for all the drama and vice versa.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an independent black woman, but I think some women use their “independence” as a cover. Many single women shout “I’m independent. I got my own house, car and money. Yea I’m doing it for myself.” Hmmm last time I checked isn’t that what it means to be SINGLE? I don’t know how many of ya’ll will ride with me on what I’m about to say, but here goes. I think women confuse the term independent and they don’t realize all the shit they got is what a single woman is supposed to have. Then you have some women that use their “independence” to scare men away, then wonder why they can’t find any good men out there. Ya’ll confusing your damn self and chasing away any prospect for any long-term relationships.
I always wonder about goes through a man’s mind when it comes to relationships. Do they even care as much as women do? As the clock ticks and the years go by do they look back on the choices they made in past relationships and wish they did it differently? How has age affected them and are they ok and content with the state of their lives now that they’re no longer 20 something? I decided to interview 5 guys in various states of relationships. I asked a series of 8 questions and it’s interesting to read the answers. The faces have been protected for obvious reasons…I don’t want ya’ll to see your man’s face and get mad and shit.
1. How long have you been married, and do you feel like you married the right woman?
Approaching 11 years. When I popped the question, I knew it! Now… it’s questionable. And it’s mutual. We both have at times questioned whether we married the “right” person. Over time, some things change… people change… and also… they don’t. You marry a person for who they are at that point in time. Depending on that point in life, they may be settled into the person they are eventually going to be, or they may still be developing into that person. And you either expect that they will remain the person you married (because you think they are just PERFECT!) or you expect that there will be growth because you see room for improvement (because you feel the love you have is stronger than the fact that they are NOT PERFECT). Or there could be a combination of both. But nobody’s perfect so (in the words that err body like to use today) “At the end of the day” , you just have to decide if it’s worth sticking it out whether they are exactly “right” or not.
2. As a man of a particular age in a marriage, do some of the same issues you experienced while dating still come up in your marriage?
Maybe a little, but not really… marriage brings along it’s own set of issues that supersede the dating issues.
3. As you get older are you a little less tolerant to drama within your relationship?
By the DAY!! And it’s more than just a little. No man ever wants to deal with drama in the relationship in the first place(contrary to popular belief), so whatever drama he puts up with in the beginning needs to decrease as time in the relationship goes on. It should be like the interest on an amortized loan where it dwindles over time.
4. What’s keeping your marriage going? The genuine love we have for each other.
5. What do you think a women need to understand about men before they decide to walk down the aisle?
Women need to understand that they can’t look for a man to fit into their life, they need to decide if they can fit into his life and not loose herself. Ladies, you can NOT change a REAL man so stop trying. If this nigga ain’t already 90% of what you want in a man, he ain’t the one and you can’t make him the one.
6. As you look back on life were there any women from your past that you wish you had done things differently?
Yes, but that is a very open ended question. I could go many ways with that one. HA!
7. If you had the opportunity to give your 20 year old self advice about life and relationships, what would it be?
It would be to wait even longer than I did before deciding to get married. Going along with what I said in #1, the older you get the more you settle into who you are going to be. Over time you come to realize things that you really need or don’t need in your relationship. The younger you are, the more chance there is for those things to change and/or develop. This is how it’s possible for people to wake up one day in a long term relationship and realize they don’t know the person they are in the relationship with. But this doesn’t mean you won’t end up with the same person because if it was meant to be it would be, just without all the growing pains that could sour what would have been so sweet.
8. Do you think age and experience played a major role in the man you are today? Why or Why Not?
But of course! Age and experience are the best teachers. You live and you learn(hopefully!). “The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.” ~Muhammad Ali
So last night while on twitter I saw this tweet: “Tionna Smalls telling females to keep at least 3 dudes at a time while dating is the same reason why they’ll remain single”. Now since it is Date Week on the site I thought this would be a great topic to discuss. I got into a debate with the person who tweeted that *which happens to be a man*, because he feels when you’re dating someone you’re in a relationship. I totally disagreed because I feel to date allows you to have options. A person can date more than one person, because until you’re in an exclusive relationship with them you’re still single. Many people will view this topic differently, but just because we’ve been going out are we automatically a “couple”?
We’ve heard the phrase “Patience is a virtue” and “Everything happens in God’s time”, but when you’ve been patiently waiting and nothing happens what do you do? Give up or continue to wait until something magical occurs? At a certain age we’ve done all we can and ready for that moment. The moment where we meet someone that enriches our lives for the better. Someone who changes our way of thinking, feeling and loving. Many people wait a whole lifetime waiting for that “one” to come along. Dismissing a few of the rotten apples, bypassing the not so together and totally ignoring the baggage filled. We search for what we can’t find and complain that we don’t see it. Are you patiently waiting for something that you’ve already known? All the while you’re waiting for this miracle of a person to appear, the right person is right there and you can’t see it because you just refuse to believe it was that simple.
Don’t get me wrong; I do believe patience is a virtue and everything happens in God’s time, but some people have this unrealistic expectation of the “one”. At a young age I never believed in “the one”. I never believed that you could love one person for the rest of your life. Shit I thought that was the most unnatural ass thing that can ever occur. As I got older and fell in love with the wrong fucking people I realized that what I wanted was so different from what I needed. As I got older I learned that love can take you all the way down and can turn around and build you all the way up. Finding that right person can take as much time as it needs to take, but when it’s suppose to happen it will. The one thing you’ve gotta learn is to keep your options open. All that energy you’re putting into one person and they turn out to be a fraud. This is the mess we face as we wait. The salesmen/saleswomen who try to enter our lives only to get us open and drain the love from us. Only to misuse it and disrespect it. Hence why there are so many single people today. Too scared to open up, but want to but fear the hurt.
You might get to the point where you’re ready to give up. Trust me giving up only shows God that you were never ready. If you aren’t truly ready there is no way to receive what he has to offer. Open your eyes to the beauty of what could be and stop living in the land of doubt. No matter how “ready” you think you are it’s still not going to happen until it’s your time. In the meantime allow yourself to open up to the possibilities you never thought were possibilities. Like I said it all happens in God’s time, but what if he’s shown you but you just refused to see what was right in front of you.
Holla at me: How long have you been waiting for “the one”?
Have you ever noticed when a couple gets married, they slowly drift away from their single friends? It’s like the single guy/girl is now the enemy. They hold some magical power that turns your spouse into a cheating idiot. I am assuming that is the logic of a married person. Or is it if you still have a single friend that hangs around you’re afraid that they try to get next to your spouse? When the hell did being single make you the enemy? You can no longer see your homegirl on a regular basis because her husband thinks you might be a bad influence on her, when she was the damn hoe in the group. So why is there this stigma on us singles? Is it because we live a life that the married wish they still had? Is it the fact that they think we’re so thirsty that if given the opportunity that we would push up on their spouses? Or is it the fact that they feel so much pity for us because even though we basically get to do whatever we like, we’re alone and will probably die that way?
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the people who got someone in their lives. Ya’ll ain’t the popular folks today. You got chicks walking around the office hating that bitch cause she got flowers from her boo. Yea you ain’t bout shit today hun. This goes out to all my ladies that say “F*ck You Valentine’s Day” mainly cause ya’ll ain’t got nobody. No cards, no calls, no dinners and no dicks. Yea even though this is just one day, it can be the most miserable day to be a single person. It’s like couples love to rub that shit in your faces. Like “OMG look what Kevin bought me. What did….oh my bad girl. You ok? I know next year you will have a man for Valentine’s Day.” Bitch hush the hell up. Don’t let that heffa bring you down just cause you ain’t got someone to love. Yea she bragging about what that dude gave her and his ass probably bought 2 of the same things to give to his other bitches. Yo that shit happened to me back in the day, but I digress. Ladies if your single and not loving it today, here are some things you can do for Valentine’s Day so you don’t slit your wrists.
Today is the first day of fall and it’s also the first day of cuffin season. For those of you unfamiliar with such a term cuffin season refers to people hooking up usually when the weather starts to change. Usually when the it starts getting cold outside you see more couples than single people. The clubs are a little less crunk because everyone who has paired off are in bed all up under one another. This is also the season where the thicker chicks stand out. I’ve heard a lot of men say they go after chicks with more meat on their bones because it’s extra warmth at night. So I guess us skinny chicks got the summer and the thick em’s got the winter. It’s all good tho.
So, I guess it’s time to find me a cuff buddy. I can’t just get with anything tho. I need someone that I would enjoy the winter with. Probably someone I wouldn’t mind having around when Spring rolls around. I wonder what are the criterias for a cuff buddy? Hmmmm does anyone anyone know?
Holla at me: Do you have a cuff buddy? What qualities do you look for in a cuff buddy
“Damn girl so why are YOU single?” Do you know how many times I hear that question? It’s like a man just can’t believe that an attractive woman *flips hair* can be single. Is it that or is it that some people feel that if you’re single and attractive something must be wrong with you? Maybe it’s the fact when people say they’re single, they’re really not as single as they appear to be. They must have a friend on the side or something. No one is single by choice right? There a lot of women out here that start out single by choice and end up single by chance. We refuse to settle when we know we deserve more. So now I’m wondering does our refusal not to settle leaving us undateable?
I’m sorry but being single sucks chicken nuts. If you’re single *slow dramatic clap* bravo for you, but ya’ll can keep this single mess. Don’t get me wrong; you don’t have to be desperate to want someone in your life, hell you’re human. In my case it gets to me after a while. Forget about the drama of it all, sometimes you just want someone in your space. Hell it’s worse when you’re not even giving up the snatch. I’ve talked to some of my single friends and it seems everybody’s in hell. I think being single for too long is like 4 steps away from choking out your own shit.