Not every man has the knowledge of satisfying a woman orally. Some just go down there and eat that shit like they’re in a hot dog eating contest, while others devour that coochie like a fat kid with an ice cream cone. I’m not sure if eating the cooch puts too much pressure on a man that he goes in there like he’s retarded, or he’s just inexperienced in the art of making her cum with his tongue. *My Infomercial Voice*Here are some rules and techniques that can help you *pointing finger* become a better lady coochie eater.

Oral sex is better when wet by other means. Sure she can get wet from it, but would you rather do something that can get her wet and throbbing first then go in for the kill? I have some rules when you actually get down there. First rule in coochie munching; never bite a clit. *Warning: If you bite her clit, she will knock you the f*ck out. Don’t say I didn’t warn you* A woman’s happy button is a very sensitive instrument; you can’t go in there like you’re jaws and crunch and munch it. Nibble on the grissle, suck on the clit flesh just don’t bite it. You have to tease and taunt her with your mighty tongue. Take your tongue and massage the labia *that’s the p*ssy lips to you non-educated men out there* work your way around all the crevices. That way you can make her extra excited with your wetness, and that would create the perfect situation to do your job more effectively.

Another rule I have when giving her oral stimulation: Never hit it and quit it. This isn’t a marathon son; you can’t just give her two shakes and ready to stick your d*ck in there. You know you get mad when she tries that shit with you, so why do it to her? Work that tongue like it’s your man meat and tongue smash her. I know it’s a smaller instrument to work with *well some of you might feel right at home*, but you have to know how to do other things than just lick on the top. Go in and out, move it from side to side; do something that can make her scream your name or her man’s name or whoever. Flip her over and eat it from the back. Ladies, get that man in the Ear Muff position; that’s when you’re both laying on your sides and he gets between those thighs and you grip his head with them. Not only is that shit fun, but you can apply as much pressure to his head to make him continue until you’re done.

My last and final rule to carpet munching: Don’t be afraid to get glazed with her juicy goodness. Don’t be afraid of cum…cum is your friend. Hell cum is your reward for a job well done. When she’s spent from all the tongue lashing, you can enter her with your mighty peen and make her double back on herself. I’m sure you will take heed to the information I have bestowed on you. *Slapping ass* Now go off in the world and be somebody.

*Snapping Fingers* Welcome to the Diary of A Mad Guest Blogger. This is a segment where we feature the bloggers that got thangs to say. I want you to give a special hand to The Mystery Lady.

I can’t count how many porns I have seen where I guy practically thrusts his entire penis into a chicks mouth while she is giving up that Becky. But what baffles me is that men don’t take that same aggressive approach to eating pussy. MEN: Just like you want to feel your dick in the back of my throat, women want to feel your ENTIRE mouth ALL OVER our pussy. Not some little tongue flick on my clit before you try and put it in, but an all out, baby bib required, pussy on your sideburns, eat out session.

N*GGA STOP PLAYING AND EAT MY PUSSY RIGHT!

I have heard one too many complaints from my homegirls and even my own unfortunate experiences with pussy teasers. So I have decided to offer these tips to “Eating the Pussy Right”

1. WATCH TREY SONGZ INVENTED SEX…I know you as a straight man hate everything this little nigga Trey embodies, but there is an obvious reason chicks are trippin over this video. Why? Cause he has his pre-pussy eating game tight! Take notes men, licking the legs, inner thighs, stomach, add ice to that equation and you are only 2 steps from having the good” WET WET” you all love. Now take your time with this, take her clothes off slow. If you are skilled enough take her panties off with your teeth, come back up kissing her legs while you work up to her thighs that you will lick before you get to the center of the tootsie pop….next

2. USE YOUR HANDS…I’m sure if you are reading this the first thing your freaky ass did when you got a girl alone back in the day was finger her. This should not be a foreign concept to you. But what you need to do is move from Finger Poppin 101 to AP FINGER FUCKIN! Do some nasty shit to continue to set the tone for what is about to happen to her ass! Stick a couple fingers in at a time, alternate speed of the stroke, lick your fingers to show her how good it tastes, shit if she get down like that make her lick your finger after you’ve taken a dive into the candy shop! While you have this going, THIS IS THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO FLICK THE CLIT with your tongue…continue to penetrate with your fingers while flicking the clit, if being done properly the neighbors should hear undistinguishable phrases that may or may not be your name.

3. GET CHIN DEEP…I know you men are way too familiar with the phrase “balls deep” but what you need to do now is get chin deep in the pussy. Here is the part where you can improvise depending on the moans of pleasure you are hearing from your partner. Some things that I suggest are slurping, yes, slurping the pussy like its the milk in the cereal bowl after you finish your fruit loops. Lick the pussy with your ENTIRE TONGUE like its the remnants of the cake batter bowl…catch my drift fellas?!? By this time she should be wetter than a water park and begging you to put it in…so please don’t waste all this time and effort by slanging some wack peen…nothing ruins good head faster than some wack peen……

 What you men are failing to realize is that for women head is a gateway drug to getting the sex, head, the whatever you’ve always wanted…..Eat the pussy right and I guarantee you will NEVER have to ask for anything EVER again.