You Ain't Rocking A Damn Thang

Men get a little intimidated when I say that I’m not easily wowed when it comes to the bedroom skills. Sure I might meet someone that make me climb the walls, but then there are some I gotta look at with the Lil Mama side eye like “What in de hell you doing playa”? Then there are times I just stop in the middle and get the hell out of dodge. Yes I get my shit and I roll out. No need completing the task when you’re already failing miserably. So I stop you dead in your tracks and try to explain to you where you went wrong. Here are some reasons why your d*ck don’t move my mountain.

1. Dead As A Door Nail~ You know you dead ass wrong trying to come at me with a malfunctioning d*ck. That shit is just criminal. You get in there and then the next thing you know I feel a flat tire in my coochie. Dear Sir…keep that non-operational d*ck out of my reach. I might be liable to cut it off and throw it away, because clearly you don’t need it. 

2. Doing the most~ I know a man has something to prove when he gets in the bedroom, but bucking like a f*cking race horse ain’t gonna cut it. Calm the hell down son. The coochie ain’t gonna run away. Sometimes taking your time works wonders. I was with this one guy that was totally doing the most. I guess that fool watched “Belly” one two many times and he tried the DMX move. You remember when he was trying to sex ol girl to sleep? Well homie tried that and at that moment I questioned the meaning of my life. THAT SHIT SUCKED!!! I looked dead in his eyes and said “I will never ever have sex with you again”. I mean come on why it gotta be all over the place? 

3. Too focused~ I love a carpet chomp like the next woman, but if that’s all your ass know how to do then we got a problem. P*ssy eating is basically a teaser for what’s to cum. If I’m laying there expecting the powerful ding dong, and you’re down there like you’re licking your way to freedom we got a situation on our hands. Hell you might have bomb ass oral game, but I need something in there to feel like my night means something.

4. Shut the hell up~ I don’t like conversations during sex. I can deal with certain things like “Who’s is this” *even that is a side eye situation if we’re just in a sexual relationship*. If you start a whole f*cking conversation and expect me to join in, no bueno papi. One of my homegirls told me she was with this guy and he started talking about his car. *Blank stare* Yo, who does that shit? We’re in the middle of cumming for the greater good and you start talking about your damn Ford Festiva? Lmao that is some lameness right there.

5. One Size Does Not Fit All~ Dude  wear your size. There is nothing worse than getting your oil changed and the condom is too big to fit the equipment. Either the shit keeps slipping and you have to change it, or your big ass fingers are holding it on there cause you don’t know the size of your piece. Fellas, that is a turn off. If you rocking the Xtra small Durex, be proud of it and stop fooling your self with the Xtra large Magnums.  A woman always knows when the condom doesn’t fit, so stop thinkingyou’re tricking her. Every time you get up to change the condom,  my sexual desires start dwindling fast.

I’m very straight forward and I would tell a lame that he needs to get ta going. I try to enjoy sex as much as possible, and if I have to coach you and tell you what and what not to do I wouldn’t be too enthused to even entertain your man wood. There may be some chicks out there that might tolerate your foolishness, but I am not one of them. Get the shit together and if you get right I might holla at you. Hell, who am I kidding? Once I’m turned off by your lack of vigor my ass ain’t coming back. You can have a d*ck made of gold and shit $100 bills and my ass would still look at you with the Lil Mama side eye.